An Adventure to be Determined
by VAM-Ninja
Summary: The fellowship has a few more members... Get ready to rumble! Action! Humor! and Romance? Why are there so many doors in Elrond's house? Why can Elrond never finish a meal? All of this and more! ReadxReview please Legolas x OC; Pippin x OC; Frodo x OC
1. The Die is Cast

Once upon a time, there were three college students named Moolie, Ginny, and Aggie. Since they owned next to nothing, they snuck into their neighbor Dan's apartment and stole his VCR player (so outdated). Upon watching Lord of the Rings, they decided to steal his laptop as well and write a fanfiction. This is it…rock on  :D :D :) :E :O :I   :3 :P :} :] …

**Aggie:** Ginny, stop it! You're ruining our intro!

**Ginny:** But they're so awesome!

**Moolie: **Anywho, read and review!

…

:)

**Aggie:** Ginny, I swear!

Disclaimer: We own nothing. Seriously. We're college students. Pleaze don't sue us.

Chapter One: The Die is Cast

"There's only one Lord of the Ring. Only one that can bind it to his will and he does not share power!" And with that, Gandalf threw himself from the tower and landed on a conveniently passing eagle. Gandalf muttered as the eagle flew away, "The die is cast."

Back in Rivendell, Elrond was eating a nutritious breakfast. He was just spreading marmalade on his morning toast when a large shadow passed overhead. Seeing as his breakfast table was outside, this was not unusual. It was the sheer size of the shadow that puzzled him.

Just then, a giant eagle landed on the table. Of course, this bemused Elrond greatly, but since the eagle had a message in its beak, he found it rude to stare. He awkwardly took the scroll from the great bird's beak and with a curt nod the bird departed. With a sudden creak, the table collapsed. "Oh bother."

After the mess had been cleaned up, Elrond retreated to his study and opened the letter.

_Dear Lord Elrond:_

_I write to you in an utmost emergency. There is so much to explain. In short, the One Ring has been found. I went to speak with Saruman, but it seems that the Dark Lord has corrupted his mind. Unfortunately, we can expect no help from him. I'm asking you for the favor of bringing together a council. We must ask the many races of Middle Earth to come help us decide how to deal with this predicament. I myself must depart in search of a certain Sprite in question. This will be difficult, seeing as the Sprites hide deep in Fangorn Forest. After I retrieve the Sprite, we will venture back to Rivendell. Send notice to all the races that they must send representatives._

_Lots of love,_

_Gandalf Greyhame_

_XOXO_

Elrond's ridiculous eyebrows rose to an unimaginable height. He then set to work with his quill and parchment.

End of Chaptah 1-

**Moolie:** That came out pretty well, and we learned a lot about each other in the process.

**Aggie:** Yes, quite the ideal bonding experience.

**Ginny:** Yeah, like Aggie is dyslexic.

**Aggie:** Silence, fool! I'm the fastest typer out of all of yalls!

**Ginny:** I'm no fool, you imbecile! 

**Moolie:** Heehee…graham crackers…


	2. Meeting the Ring Bearer

Moolie: Hey, everyone. Sorry we haven't been on in a while. You see, there have been some…difficulties.

Aggie: Careful, Ginny, here it comes!

*A large tentacle emerges from the cushions of a nearby sofa.*

Moolie: You see, when we moved into this apartment, that sofa was already there and we never bothered getting rid of it.

Ginny: Ah, my leg!

Aggie: Quick, Moolie, grab the crowbar and the bottle of 409!

Moolie: Hope you enjoy the following!

……….

Chapter Two: Meeting the Ring-Bearer

It was twilight when they finally reached Rivendell. Elrond was finishing his supper of low-fat yogurt, lima beans, apple sprouts and pita chips when he heard the great sound of beating wings. He quickly moved the dishes off the table and just managed to get the sugar bowl off before the giant eagle crushed yet another one of his best tables. "I should really start eating inside," he muttered.

Gnadlaf stepped off the eagle carrying what looked like a small child. "Is this her?" Elrond asked.

"Yes. She's asleep, though," Gnadlaf said. "The journey was very long for her. Do you have a room prepared?"

"Why yes, of course," said Elrond. "Right this way."

And so Gnadlaf followed Elrond down the corridor to a separate chamber.

"Pray tell, what makes this child so important?" Elrond asked.

"She is no child," Gnadlaf responded. "This sprite is fully-grown."

"And why should the Dark Lord be interested in this particular Sprite?"

"Let's just say she has certain…_abilities_, although she has a great deal of trouble controlling them."

Elrond nodded thoughtfully. "I see. And you wanted to get to her before the enemy did, correct?"

Gnadlaf nodded. "But a time will come when she will have to make the decision herself."

Elrond looked completely puzzled but decided that it was not worth getting into. Gnadlaf tended to ramble at times.

"I'll have fresh clothes laid out for her," Elrond said. "Can I show you to your chambers, Old Bean?"

Gnadlaf laid the Sprite in the bed and left with Elrond, rambling about the traffic conditions on the way.

Fado awoke with a start. Where was she? Like seriously. One minute you're in the air, and the next you're in a comfortable bed. How was she here?

(_Perfect time for a flashback…_)

Fado was gathering water at the spring when she heard raised voices. Who could it be? No one ever came around here; everyone hated her.

"I refuse to go any farther!"

"Don't be a fool, Adolfus. Her time will come soon and you will not be able to repress her then." Fado dropped her water jug. Adolfus was the high chancellor of her town. He hated her above all the other councilmen.

"Then why do you attempt to speak with her?"

"Because I see promise in her."

Then they came around the bend. Fado gasped. Adolfus brought with him one of the Big Folk. None had ever been allowed in her village before.

Adolfus grimaced. "This is she."

"Hello, Grandfather," Fado mumbled.

Adolfus grew eggplant-purple, which quickly changed to beet-red. "I told you never to call me that," he vented. He quickly regained his composure. "This is Gandalf. He has been an ally to the Sprites for many ages."

Gnadlaf's eyes twinkled. "Hello, child. There's no reason to be afraid."

"I'm no child," Fado snapped.

"Hush!" Adolfus said. "Hold your tongue, devil child!"

Fado hung her head. Gnadlaf gave a cold look to Adolfus and bent down to speak to Fado.

"Gather your things. We're leaving."

She looked up, eyes wide. "But…I'm…" Fado paused and looked over at Adolfus, "…_hazardous_."

Adolfus chuckled. "That's an understatement. The little brat's plagued by demons."

"We can change that," Gnadlaf said. He looked at her. "You don't have to be shunned."

Fado looked at Gnadlaf, then Adolfus, then ran inside to get her things. What did she have to lose?

(_End flashback, dammit._)

Fado began to breathe rapidly. He had betrayed her, just like all the rest, and now she was in a foreign land with her protector nowhere in sight. That's just about the time when a pretty young lady came in with a neatly folded stack of clothes.

"These are for you, little miss," the elf said with a friendly expression on her face.

"Do I put my dirty clothes on the chair?" Fado asked.

"Of course not!" the woman exclaimed. "You can't put dirty clothes on the chair, the chair's gonna start smelling like dirty clothes!"

Fado simply grabbed the clean clothes and mumbled an apology. He had brought her to an insane asylum.

Elrond walked in. "That is no way to treat our guest," he said in a placid voice. He looked down at the Sprite. "Pumpkin—no, Gandalf! —is getting ready."

Fado pretended not to hear the embarrassing pet name that Elrond had obviously just said (hint, hint).

Another servant burst in. "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!" everyone stared at him. "Wait, wrong line. Sorry, sorry, let's try that again…"

The elf left the room. The same servant cleverly disguised as another servant wearing a mustache, burst in through a different door. "Your daughter is here and she brings the ring-bearer."

Gnadlaf burst in through a completely different door. "Frodo's in grave condition!"

Another servant burst through yet another door. "We must tend to the ring-bearer immediately, my lord!"

Fado tapped Lord Elrond on the elbow. "Just how many doors are there in this room?"

"I'm not quite sure," Lord Elrond responded.

"We just had a few more installed," said yet another servant coming through a different door.

A few minutes later, Gnadlaf, Fado, Elrond, and the servants went through _yet another door _out into the corridor. Arwen met up with them outside one of the chambers.

"Aragorn and the others will be here in a few days," she informed them.

"Marvelous!" Lord Elrond exclaimed. "Simply marvelous!"

As everyone else entered the room, Gnadlaf stopped Fado outside.

"The lad you are about to see is the reason this whole operation is taking place. Please make yourself useful in aiding to his recovery."

Fado nodded silently. They entered the room.

The room was dark. Attendants rushed around murmuring Elvish to each other. Towards the back of the room, Lord Elrond was tending to a small figure on the bed. As Fado edged closer, she heard Arwen telling her father, "He's passing to the Shadow Realm. He won't be with us for much longer."

"Then we must act quickly," Lord Elrond replied quietly. He turned to face Fado. "I need you to keep him company, little miss. We need you to tell us if any change occurs."

Fado moved closer to the bed and saw the ring-bearer for the first time. She took one look at him and felt her face redden. The elves had removed his shirt to tend to a nasty wound on his shoulder. He was quite attractive (:D). Fado looked back to see Elrond preparing a concoction of herbs.

"Hello," she muttered to the unconscious hobbit. "You're gonna be okay. Uh, I heard that Lord Elrond is good at these sorts of things."

A servant stepped behind her. "Miss, we're going to need you to step back."

Elrond came up with a bowl. "I need someone to hold him down," he stated. "He's not going to like this."

Fado was now at the foot of the bed watching in confusion as two elves held down the unconscious hobbit. Elrond stepped nearby his shoulder with a rag and the bowl of healing balm.

"What are you going to do?" she mumbled.

"We're going to need to draw out the poison," Elrond replied.

Fado felt a hand on her shoulder. "Time to go," said Gnadlaf. "It would be better if you didn't see this."

Fado reluctantly followed the wizard out of the room. As she walked out, she heard a yelp of pain behind her and turned to see the hobbit struggling on the bed.

"Come, child," said Gnadlaf. "Frodo will be fine."

………….

Ginny: Well thank goodness that's over!

Moolie: Yes, with no major injuries.

Aggie: Calamari anyone? *holds up severed tentacle*

Ginny: Wait a minute…

Moolie: Aggie, you weren't supposed to cut it!

Aggie: W-Why?

*Five more tentacles emerge from between the sofa cushions.*

Aggie: Damn that sofa!

Ginny: We'll be back next week, folks!


	3. The Arrival of Almost Everyone

Ginny: Good morrow, everyone!

Aggie: It has come to our attention that we spelled "Gandalf" incorrectly in the previous chapter.

Moolie: What really happened was we noticed a few sentences in and lacked the self-motivation to do anything about it.

Ginny: Oh, and a happy late Christmas.

Moolie: I got Star Trek on DVD!

Aggie: I got…coal.

Moolie: …Well…in the spirit of Christmas and Star Trek…

All: SPACE BACON!

…………

Chapter Three: The Arrival of (Almost) Everyone

The hobbits arrived at dawn. Oh yeah, Strider came too. Gandalf and Elrond met them at the gate. Strider saw Arwen and quickly ran towards her. It was all very "Notebook"-ish.

"How's Mr. Frodo doing?!" Sam practically screamed once he saw the elf and the old man.

"Frodo will be fine," Elrond droned, angry that he had to wake up so early.

"Can we see him?" Merry asked.

"And can we have some biscuits?" Pippin added with a giant grin.

"Yes and perchance," Elrond sighed. "If you behave, we will find a way to get some biscuits."

Pippin clapped his hands in glee.

Sam was practically peeing his hobbit shorts by now. "Can…we…see…him…NOW?!"

"I suppose," said Gandalf. "But I should warn you-"

"No time!" Sam interrupted.

The three hobbits sprinted down the hallways to keep up with Gandalf's brisk Man steps. Sam opened the door...and quickly closed it.

"What's wrong?" Gandalf asked.

"There's a _girl _in there!" Sam whispered.

"Oh really?" Merry asked, obviously interested.

"She's been talking to Frodo for three days," Gandalf explained, amused.

Sam turned cherry red. "W-what? What does she want from him?!"

"Oh come, Sam," Merry said. "You can't expect to pour Frodo's tea and fold his knickers all your life."

"What we're saying is," said Pippin, "that this is a good chance for Frodo to branch out. I mean, Bilbo was kinda protective of him back in the Shire."

"Well, we might as well go in," Gandalf said. "I want you all to meet her."

Merry quickly straightened his vest and slicked his hair back. Gandalf courteously led them into the room. The girl was sitting in a chair next to Frodo's bed. She had curly, dusty brown hair and green eyes.

"She looks like a hobbit," Pippin whispered to Merry. "But she's _wearing shoes_!"

The girl turned around and her eyes widened. She quickly got up while muttering apologies.

"Any changes, Fado?" Gandalf said slowly.

She shook her head and ran out of the room.

"Aw," said Pippin.

"Damn," said Merry.

Pippin turned to Gandalf. "So, how about those biscuits?"

As Fado rounded a corner and ran towards the courtyard, a bunch of prancing ponies came galumphing in. Tall blonde elves dismounted their steeds. Fado quickly turned and ran the opposite way.

'Why are there so many people here all of a sudden?' she thought. As she ran across a small patch of grass, a little man with a giant beard popped his head out of a hole in the ground.

"Is this Rivendell, lass?" he asked brightly. Fado let out a small scream and ran back towards the gate. Perhaps the blondes were gone by now.

"Ah, peace and quiet," she sighed. But not for long…

The gate opened and in thundered more people. One man sitting atop a horse was blowing a horn rather obnoxiously.

"Make way for Gondor!" another man yelled.

"We're awesome!" a younger man yelled.

"He's new," the first man said.

By now there was so much commotion that Fado promptly fainted on the spot.

"Oh dear," the man blowing the horn said.

It was late evening when Fado awoke in her room. Seeing as no one was around, she decided to go for a walk. As she walked down an outside staircase, she heard voices coming from Elrond's quarters.

"I really should get some sleep," Elrond muttered through a wide grin, and then said loudly: "Welcome, friends of old to Rivendell! It has been a while since the Lith Edhel have visited us!"

Fado peeked through a small window near the entrance door to Elrond's quarters. Inside stood Gandalf and Elrond facing five tall, cloaked peoples. "Yes," said one of the cloaked figures in a thick accent. "The Sand Elves are finally venturing beyond the borders again."

The leader of the newcomers started speaking quickly in Elvish to Elrond. We can assume it was about the weather, since nothing else was very interesting to talk about (except for Sand Bears, of course, but we won't get into that just yet). As the two Elves spoke, one of the newcomers who had been standing in the back turned slightly to face the window. She wore a veil that covered all except her eyes, which were decorated with black makeup. Both Fado and the Sand Elf froze. Gandalf noticed Fado in the window.

"We appear to have company," he said with an eyebrow wiggle. "Come in, Fado, dear."

Fado slowly walked through the doorway. "This is my new apprentice," Gandalf said, motioning to Fado.

"She is a Sprite, I see," an older cloaked figure said.

"Yes," Elrond said. "As hobbits are distantly related to the race of Men, so are Sprites to the race of Elves. We thought it appropriate for her to come."

"Indeed," a cloaked figure mumbled.

"Allow me to show you to your rooms," Elrond said, leading the cloaked figures out of his quarters. "You should get some rest, Fado."

…………………

Moolie: Whoa, the suspense!

Ginny: There's no suspense in this chapter, Moolie.

Aggie: Moolie, you stupid hippie! Go get some groceries!

Moolie: *sigh* What do you two want?

Aggie: Bacon!

Ginny: Uh…no. Bacon's nasty. Get some noodles.

Aggie: Bacon noodles!

Moolie: I'll see what I can do.

Ginny: And cooking sherry!


	4. Where are the Kitchens?

Aggie: Chapter 4, people! Read!!!!!!!

Moolie: And a special thanks to anotherrunner for our FIRST review! That certainly made our day. Ginny lost her job, Aggie had a hangover, and I missed my bus, but you just turned it into a smiley and sunshiny day!

Aggie: Somebody should stop her before she goes overboard with the hippie crap.

Ginny: Now, we should really take care of these wounds from failed high-five attempts. Enjoy.

………………….

Chapter Four: Where are the Kitchens??

Fado awoke the next morning to the sound of Pippin and Merry complaining to a servant about how the biscuits weren't the same as the ones in the Shire. She threw on a fresh gown and quickly scurried outside to watch the sunrise. It was quite pretty. The birds were flying, the flowers were in bloom, and there was a person on the roof… There was a person on the roof?

Fado climbed a nearby tree to get a closer look. It was the Sand Elf she had met the previous night.

"Hello, Short One," the elf said quietly. "Fado, is it?"

"Hello, Tall One," Fado responded. "I seem to be at a disadvantage. You know my name, but I don't know yours."

"My name will come in time."

"AZIMAH!" a voice called from the ground.

"I knew it was coming soon," the elf said as she walked over to the edge of the roof. "What is it?" she called back.

"I just want to know where my sister is," the voice said.

"Well, I'm here, it seems," Azimah said. For a moment, she paused and cocked her head to the side. She appeared to be listening to something.

_Someone's coming,_ the voice whispered in her ear. Azimah turned to see Fado staring at her, puzzled.

Suddenly, two white elk came thundering into the courtyard.

"Not again," Fado muttered, clinging tightly to the tree. Two people in heavy furs dismounted the elk.

"Are we late?" said the taller one.

"Yes," Elrond called out as he descended the stairs in his nightcap and gown. "What time is it?"

"I don't know," the other figure, a woman, said. "Dawn, it seems."

Elrond let out a frustrated groan. "Can't an elf get his beauty sleep around here?"

"I'm sorry, you must be Lord Elrond," the taller figure said. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ludvig Niklaus Davin Amund Bjorgson, and this is my cousin-"

"Wait," Elrond held up his hand to stop the man from going on. "Is her name long too?"

"Incredibly," the man said with a smile.

"Does she have a nickname?"

"Oh. We call her Nora."

"That'll do," Elrond said with a yawn. "Come in, come in."

As the three people walked through the courtyard, Nora looked up. "Do you often have people on your roof, Lord Elrond?"

Elrond looked up and let out a grunt. "No, it just started happening, really. We try not to notice them."

Nora gave the two on the roof a quick wave before skipping after the two men.

***

It was lunchtime. The hobbits were hungry.

"Where are the kitchens?" Pippin called out.

"I dunno!" Merry called back. "I can't find anything in this place."

"It was never this hard to find the kitchen in Gaffer's house!" Sam exclaimed.

"Sam, why didn't you pack more food?" Pippin said.

"I, uh…" Sam stuttered. "Can we _please _go check on Mr. Frodo now?"

Merry sighed. "I suppose. Let's go."

"But I'm still hungry!" Pippin whined.

The three hobbits turned around and realized that they were incredibly lost.

"Damn," Merry muttered.

_(Scene switch!)_

Fado sat on a chair next to Frodo's bed watching him sleep peacefully. "There are a lot of people here now," she said. She was silent for a while. And then the oddest thing happened. Frodo's eyelids seemed to flutter and then he was staring right at her with bright blue eyes. Fado had no idea how to react. She tried to scoot backwards but ended up tipping the chair over. Blushing heavily, she ran from the room. Frodo nodded back to sleep, 'It must have been a dream.'

Gandalf was quietly sitting next to Elrond, sipping tea at the new table Gandalf had bought for him. The silence was interrupted by small feet pattering down the staircase, followed by a small yelp as the figure tripped on her own feet. Fado tumbled down the stairs and knocked into the table, breaking it in half.

"Oh, bother," Elrond said. "And it was such a nice one, too."

Fado tried to mumble an apology, but was discombobulated from her fall.

"Ah, uh…" she started. "Gandalf…"

"What is it, child?" Gandalf said in his epic voice.

"He's, uh…he's…wait…awake!" Fado said, her face brightening. "That's the word! He's awake!"

"Frodo?" Gandalf asked. Fado nodded breathlessly. Gandalf stood from his chair and rushed gallantly out of the room.

Sam burst in through the door. "Frodo's awake!"

Pippin popped his head through the window. "This isn't the kitchen!"

Merry touched Pippin's shoulder. "Let's go, Pip. We'll find it!"

The duo set off on a noteworthy mission. After about five minutes, they finally broke down and asked for directions from a quite amiable elf. Upon nearing the kitchens, they could smell the tantalizing aromas of today's lunch.

"I'm sure Lord Elrond wouldn't mind if we took a wee taste," said Pippin.

Upon entering the kitchen they found that they were not alone in their conquest. A young woman dressed in a Northern-style dress sat at the table eating a strange piece of fruit. She looked up.

"Hello little ones," she said. "Have you lost your mummy?"

"Tisk, tisk. This lady doesn't know a gentleman when she sees one," Merry said to Pippin.

She looked up in astonishment. "You mean...midgets?"

"No!" Merry exclaimed. "We're hobbits…Miss?"

"Nora. Call me Nora," Nora said. "Trust me; you don't want to hear the rest of my name."

………………….

Ginny: You know? There aren't any disclaimers for chapters 2 or 3. So here's a triple disclaimer.

Disclaimer 1: We do not own LOTR.

Disclaimer 2: We still do not own LOTR.

Disclaimer 3: WE DON'T OWN IT DAMMIT!


	5. Sit Down!

Moolie: This will be the ULTIMATE CHAPTER!

Aggie: She's says that before every chapter.

Moolie: It's true for this one!

Ginny: You say that, too.

Disclaimer- We don't own it, blah blah blaaaaahhhh…

**Warning: Rated PG for Pure Gold**

…………………………

Chapter Five: Sit Down!

It was the day that everyone had been waiting for. The previous night, Legolas had washed his hair with his special shampoo. Gimli had carefully plaited his beard. Aragorn had brushed his teeth and took his monthly bath. Gandalf had changed his name to Gnadlaf for the remainder of this chapter. Boromir practiced being a jerk. The hobbits…hadn't done much of anything.

And what did Elrond do? He hid all tables in sight. He was getting a bit paranoid.

"Friends of old, peoples of different lands, I bring you all here to address the problem that we all face," Elrond started once everyone had gathered at the meeting. "Now, I want us all to stand up and introduce ourselves. Don't be shy! This is an ice breaker, everyone."

Elrond looked around the circle. "Well, if no one will volunteer, I choose you, Pika—Gnadlaf!"

Gnadlaf reluctantly stood up. "Hello, everyone. My name is Gandalf, but for the remainder of this chapter you shall call me Gnadlaf. I enjoy explosives and long walks on the beach."

Gnadlaf sat down and beckoned for the person on his right, Frodo, to stand up.

"Um, hi everyone," Frodo said rather quietly. "I just woke up, so I don't really know what exactly is going on right now, but…My name is Frodo Baggins, and…yeah."

Frodo quickly sat down. This process continued until it was Gimli's turn.

"'Ello," the dwarf said. "The name's Gimli and I greatly enjoy waffles. They are a dwarvish delicacy."

After Gimli rambled on for over five minutes, Nora, sitting on his right, pulled on his sleeve, urging him to sit down. She then stood up.

"I'm-"

"Just tell them your nickname, dear," Elrond interrupted impatiently. "We don't have much time."

"Uh, I'm Nora," Nora said. "I'm from Nordic territory in Forodwaith and, uh…"

She was interrupted (again), this time by a rather rude dwarf, who shouted, "My name is-"

"Oh, let's just get on with it!" Elrond yelled. "Sit down, sir!"

Legolas leaped from his seat. "But I didn't get to introduce myself!"

Azimah firmly pulled him back into his seat. "_Sit down_."

After things settled down, Elrond droned on and on about a ring and the end of the world and some dark lord and it was all rather boring.

"…To conclude, does anyone have anything to add?"

Silence.

"Any questions?"

More silence.

Elrond looked around in aggravation. "Has anyone paid any attention to _anything _I just said?"

Boromir hopped up. It was showtime. "We cannot get to Mordor alone. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. Not with ninjas or wizards…though maybe ninja wizards…"

"I'm a wizard," offered Gnadlaf.

"But you're not a ninja, are you?" Boromir said, glaring at Gnadlaf.

"Maybe some bears," a dwarf on the other side of the circle said. "Bears that can shoot lasers out of their eyes."

"No, that wouldn't work," another dwarf argued. "Where are we going to find some bears?"

"This is all very stupid!" Elrond shouted above the voices.

"Well it's your silly elf convention!" another voice shouted.

Legolas rose to argue, but Azimah pulled him back. "Sit _down_."

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo," Elrond finally said. Frodo stood and set the Ring on a conveniently placed pedestal in the center of the circle. Gimli then tried and failed to destroy it with his axe, which shattered into several pieces.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed by any weapon we here possess," Elrond stated.

"Why didn't he say that before?" Ludvig muttered to Nora.

Elrond continued. "It can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom."

"Dang it," Boromir said. "I already used up my line. Well, just give the Ring to Gondor!"

"We're awesome!" the new recruit called out. Boromir rolled his eyes.

"Besides," said Aragorn, standing up, then turned to the group. "Oh, hi everyone. My name's Aragorn. I'm a free spirit with commitment issues."

"Hi Aragorn!" the group called back in unison.

"To continue," Aragorn said. "We cannot use the Ring. It has no master but the Dark Lord."

"And what would a ranger know of this?" Boromir challenged.

Legolas finally managed to stand up without Azimah stopping him. "This is no mere ranger. He just introduced himself: He's your next boss!"

"Sit down!" Azimah said through clenched teeth.

"You can't tell him what to do!" Gimli shouted, standing up.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Azimah's brother, Ghalib, yelled back to the dwarf.

"And who are you?" one of the men from Gondor yelled.

"I am Ghalib of the Lith Edhel," Ghalib said. "And this is my father, Munistair."

"Who cares?" an elf yelled out.

"I do!" the man from Gondor yelled back. "That's why I asked!"

In moments, almost everyone was standing up and yelling at each other. Azimah, one of the few people sitting, was still trying to get Legolas to sit down. Nora decided to join the argument and started yelling at a nearby statue. Fado looked at Frodo.

"You should do something," she said. Frodo looked at her for a moment and nodded.

"I will take it."

No one seemed to hear him.

"Try again," Fado encouraged.

Frodo cleared his throat. "I will take the ring to Mordor!"

The brouhaha (new vocabulary word for the day, look it up) quieted and Gnadlaf slowly turned around.

"Though I do not know the way," the hobbit said, seeming a bit uncomfortable with the sudden attention he was getting.

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins," Gnadlaf said, walking beside him. "As long as it is yours to bear."

"By my life or death, I will protect you," Aragorn said, kneeling down in front of Frodo. "You have my sword."

"And you have my bow!"

"Sit _down_!"

"And my axe!"

"I'll go!" Ludvig said in a high-pitched voice as he pushed his cousin forward. Nora's blue eyes widened in surprise.

Elrond looked at her and nodded. "You'll do."

Munistair stood up. "The Lith Edhel will send my son, Ghalib."

Suddenly, a small "Hey!" was heard as Sam ran out of the kumquat bushes.

"Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

"Yes," said Elrond. "And we fear that it's starting to become somewhat of an obsession for you."

"We're coming too!" Merry and Pippin exclaimed as they ran from behind two columns.

Fado looked at Gnadlaf. Gnadlaf nodded and motioned for her to come beside him.

"I'll go as well," Fado said quietly, clinging to Gnadlaf's cloak.

Elrond looked at the volunteers and smiled. "There's no going back now," he said. "Nine companions-"

"Twelve," Aragorn corrected.

"Twelve companions. You shall form the Fellowship of the Ring!"

Pippin and Merry formed a "Charlie's Angels" pose. "Right. Where are we going?"

…………………….

Moolie: Told you it was gonna be the best one yet!

Ginny: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I gotta go back to writing my carpool mafia list.

Aggie: Just don't put old Mrs. Watkins on it this time! We get our free internet from her!

Ginny: Hey Moolie, do we have any spare crayons?

Moolie: Why do you insist on writing your list in crayons?

Ginny: *evil grin* Cuz no one can track it…


	6. Insert Clever Chapter Title Here

Aggie: Here we are, all alone.

Moolie: Our trio's down to two.

Aggie: Ginny's gone out to meet some bloke and left us to fend for ourselves.

Moolie: So we waited up all night writing the story, which was an excuse for waiting for her to come home.

Aggie: This is why the chapter's so long. Oh, and a special thanks to LegolasLoverAlwaysandForever for giving us not one, but two reviews. Reviews always make our day, so please, any readers out there: REVIEW!

Moolie: Well, we don't need Ginny! She didn't do much anyway! *sniff*

Aggie: Hey, we could totally mess with her carpool mafia list!

Moolie: Grab the crayons! Oh, enjoy the next chapter!

…………

Chapter Six: *Insert Clever Chapter Title Here*

Azimah's father burst into the breakfast hall as people were helping themselves to raspberry scones, plum pudding, and ham.

"Quick! There was an accident in the practice ring!" he cried. "Ghalib needs medical attention at once!"

The doors opened once more. Aragorn and Ludvig burst in carrying Ghalib. He had a particularly nasty wound on his lower thigh. "Good Gracious me, what happened!" asked Elrond.

"Someone left their axe unattended," said Ludvig, glaring at the dwarves.

"It's not our problem he tripped over it!" a dwarf called out.

"Get him to the medical room at once!" Elrond said.

Azimah rose from her spot and hurried them out of the room. One of the Gondor men ran in yelling, "Let me help!" but slipped on a scone and broke yet another table.

***

A few hours later Ghalib was bandaged up and on the mend. "Father, I will not be able to partake on this journey with such a wound," he said. "Lord Elrond said I'd be lucky if I ever walked again." He put his head in his hands. "I'm such a clumsy fool. A disgrace to our people."

"Don't be silly, big brother," Azimah said as she tightly wound bandages around Ghalib's leg. He let out a gasp in pain. "You'll be alright. You always are."

"Well it is true now that we have no one to send on the mission in your place," said Lesedi, one of the Lith Edhel elders.

Legolas, who had been leaning against the wall, now came forward. "You can send Azimah, sir," he offered.

Munistair went rigid. "Azimah," he said quietly. "Would you kindly exit the room?"

Azimah shot a glance at Legolas and walked out quietly. "He speaks the truth, Father," Ghalib said tentatively. "She would be most excited to go."

Munistair turned to face his son. "Have you injured your head as well, Ghalib?" he began softly. "Or do you not see that I have already lost enough daughters?" His voice was a roar now. "I cannot let her go! Not after Amari!"

"Azimah was close to Amari, Father," retorted Ghalib. "Her heart was hardened by her passing. She will not make the same mistakes."

"Azimah is quite capable," added Legolas. "It is because of her that I stand here before you today. I would lay down my life to protect her."

"As would the rest of the fellowship," said Ghalib.

"She'll do!" said Elrond.

"Holy halibut!" exclaimed Munistair. "How'd you get in here?"

"We just had some new doors installed." Elrond responded. "But never mind that. Azimah's perfect for the fellowship. I'm all for the idea, really."

"I'm not," said Akin, the other Lith Edhel elder. "This whole fellowship idea is a farce. Sending women and children out on a fool's errand."

"First of all, they're not children," Elrond corrected. "They're hobbits. Secondly, the fellowship is our only hope at defeating Sauron. If he succeeds, the Lith Edhel will not be able to hide any longer."

Akin sat down, grumbling.

"Then it is settled!" Elrond said with a fabulous sweeping gesture of his robes. "Azimah will be in the fellowship. I will announce it tonight during dinner."

Meanwhile, outside Pippin and Merry were snacking on mediocre biscuits under the window.

"These still don't taste anything like the biscuits back home," Pippin said sadly.

"Pip! Did you just hear that?" Merry asked. "The pretty elf lady is going to be in the fellowship!"

"Ew, another girl?" Pippin exclaimed. "Cooties!"

"We should probably do our friend Elrond a favor and not tell anyone before tonight," Merry said.

Pippin shot him a glance. "Then again," he said, "it might come as an awful shock to them. We would hate to distress anyone."

"Aye Pip," Merry agreed. "And what kind of friends are we to do that to our fellow men?"

"It's agreed then!" Pippin said. "For the sake of the fellowship, no secrets among us!"

"For the sake of the fellowship and that alone!" said Merry.

Pippin and Merry scurried off to the courtyard where they found Frodo and Sam walking leisurely.

"You'll never believe what we just heard!" Pippin said as they filled them in on the latest news.

Frodo then walked off to tell Fado the news, who promptly went to inform Gandalf, who thought to himself, 'Gee, what a juicy piece of gossip for me to share with Arwen at afternoon tea today!' He then told Arwen, who told Aragorn, who thought to himself, 'I'll go tell my nonexistent best friend Boromir!' Boromir then told the dwarves because no one else liked him. The dwarves told Nora, who consequently forgot to tell Ludvig.

That night at dinner over roast deer stuffed with chestnuts and herbs with a side of pasta salad and green beans, Elrond rose and tapped his goblet daintily with his spoon to grab everyone's attention.

"Attention, everyone," he said. "I have an announcement. But first, would the owner of a brown horse with the license tag 'BF4EVA', please move your animal. You're blocking the well."

One of the Gondor men stood up and edged awkwardly out of the room.

"And now for the real news!" Elrond exclaimed. "Due to the unfortunate injury of our friend Ghalib, his sister Azimah will be taking his place in the fellowship."

Everyone clapped politely while Ludvig shouted, "Woo!" over and over and over again in surprise.

"Shut up," said Nora, hitting him lightly on the chest. "No one else is surprised but you."

Ludvig looked around. "Why not?"

"Uh," Nora looked pointedly away from him. "Blame it on the dwarves."

***

_(scene switch!)_

The next few days were spent training and packing. Arwen took the other girls out in the training ring so they could teach Fado how to fight without killing herself. The elves had provided throwing knives for Fado. They were actually quite pretty in star and crescent moon shapes. Azimah brought along her glaive (vocabulary word for the day, look it up). She had taken off her veil during practice seeing that there were only women around. Nora brought along a sword.

Fado was actually getting pretty accurate with her knives. In fact, she liked throwing them a little too much. After a few hours of practice, the four took a break and snacked on rosewater and beef jerky while sitting on an elaborately-stitched blanket that Arwen had brought with her.

Suddenly they heard footsteps on the road that passed the ring. Aragorn came towards the clearing. Everyone saw that it was a dude and scrambled to hide Azimah's face. Fado tackled her to the ground and Nora sat in front of her face to hide it from Aragorn's view. Arwen tossed the blanket over them.

The three girls heard Aragorn stop and talk to Arwen. Arwen laughed and Aragorn continued on his way.

"Bye, ladies!" he called back.

"Bye, Aragorn!" the three of them called out in unison as they waved from under the blanket.

"He's gone," Arwen said. "You can come out now."

Nora lifted the blanket.  
"Get your arse from out of my face," Azimah grumbled to Nora, or at least that's what it sounded like she said. It was really difficult to understand her, for she had landed facedown in the dirt.

Nora laughed and stood up. She then turned to help Azimah get up from the dirt.

The three turned to see Arwen staring off at Aragorn as he walked down the road.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" Fado said.

"Very much so," Arwen answered, smiling to herself.

It was silent for a moment. "While we're on the subject," Nora said, breaking the silence, "I spotted Fado and Frodo exchanging questionable glances the other day at the meeting. Quite scandalous, if I must say!"

Fado turned pink and went to polishing her throwing knives.

"Oh, you can't deny it, Fado," Arwen said. "You two are very sweet on each other."

Fado started stuttering. "W-well, I…I…I'm not the only one!" She pointed wildly at Nora. "She's had her eyes on-"

"Don't say it!" Nora shouted. Arwen and Azimah suddenly became very interested.

"Who is it?" Arwen asked. "Is it Boromir? Don't worry, I wouldn't think any less of you."

"No, it's not him!" Nora said. "But he does have very nice hair. Not as nice as Legolas's, though, but Elrond's hair does come close to his…"

"You're rambling, Nora," Azimah stated.

"It's Pippin!" Fado finally squeaked, then covered her mouth in excitement. Arwen and Azimah looked at Nora in shock, who was fidgeting nervously.

"Well, that was completely unexpected," Arwen said.

"What?" Nora mumbled. "He's cute…"

"You three should be careful," Azimah said rather quietly. "Love can be very dangerous. Especially for you, Arwen. You are an elf after all."

All became quiet, mostly because Fado and Nora had no idea as to what Azimah was talking about.

"You sound a little like my father," Arwen said with a sad smile. "I heard about your sister. I'm very sorry."

It was silent for an awkwardly long time. Nora finally broke the silence (again). "So, Fado, should we go talk to Frodo?!"

Fado shot her an evil don't-you-ever-say-that-again death glare of doom.

Several days later…

Azimah was packing her bags in her chambers. As she wrestled to fit her saving-the-world clothes into one bag, a small bundle fell out. She went to pick it up but her father beat her to it.

"I remember when she gave this to you," Munistair said, looking at the small rag doll in his hand. He handed it to Azimah and cleared his throat.

"So," he said. "You're leaving tomorrow, then?"

"Gandalf wishes to set out as soon as possible," Azimah said, not meeting her father's eyes.

"I came to…" he cleared his throat again. "I came to give you my official permission to go."

It was quiet. Azimah smiled and gave her father an unexpected hug.

***

Azimah was walking in the forest later that night. She sat beneath a tree and looked around; no one was there so she removed her veil. The night air felt good. The wind flicked playfully at her hair.

_You'd better put that back on, someone else is here_. She looked around but no one was there.

'Don't play tricks with me, Wind', she thought.

_I'm not, he's above you. _Azimah quickly readjusted her veil. She looked up to see Legolas hanging upside down from a branch.

"How long must we go without speaking?" He said with a playful smile. He swung down gracefully and sat next to her.

She looked away, "I spoke to you at the council."

"But that was days ago," said Legolas, "You've been avoiding me."

"I guess I wasn't sure if you would remember me." Azimah said quietly.

"Azimah, you have been one of my dearest friends since childhood," said Legolas, "Not to mention, you saved my life, how could I forget that?"

"Many years have passed," said Azimah with a shrug. She rose and wiped off her tunic. "Well I suppose I should head in, big day tomorrow."

Legolas rose as well. He put his hand on her shoulder "Sleep well, old friend."

"Am I really that old?"

"Of course not," he laughed. "Just much more grown up than since I last saw you." As he walked away, Azimah was grateful for the veil, otherwise he might have seen her blush.

…………

Moolie: And we're done!

Aggie: See, we didn't need Ginny here to write a whole chapter.

Moolie: And yet it seems…

Aggie: …as if something's missing…

Moolie: Come on! *sniff* Let's go watch the Lion King.


	7. And They're Off!

Moolie: Okay, now onto the next chapter.

Aggie: Okay!

Moolie: Okay…

Aggie: Stop saying okay.

Moolie: Okay…dammit!

Disclaimer- we're tired of these damn disclaimers. This particular disclaimer will cover every chapter to follow. Now, read carefully: **We do not and will not ever be worthy enough to own any of J.R.R. Tolkien's or Peter Jackson's material. Or New Line Cinema. Or anyone else who owns anything. We don't even own this laptop.**

…………

Chapter Seven: And They're Off!!!!

The next morning, Ludvig presented his cousin with a Nordic battle-axe. Elrond saw the axe in Nora's hands and thought it best for the fellowship to leave the next morning. Besides, he wanted to avoid another table accident. And so they were off!

"Let the ring-bearer lead the way!" said Elrond ceremoniously.

The crowd of elves parted to make way for the fellowship as they walked under the stone archway and out of Rivendell.

"Mordor, Gandalf. Is it left or right?" whispered Frodo.

"Left," Gandalf answered just as quietly. As they made their way down the trail, Sam came running into the courtyard, yelling: "Wait for me!" He then stumbled over a rock and knocked into a table, splitting it cleanly in two.

"I'm so sorry, Lord Elrond!" Sam apologized as he stood up.

Elrond looked down at the table. "Just go."

The twelve companions walked quietly for a while. Sam decided to be the brave one and break the silence.

"Lovely shrubberies," he said heartily. "Haven't seen anything like them outside the Shire."

"Ah, the Shire," said Merry. "A place where you can stop at the pub and pick up a couple of lasses after a hard day's work."

Frodo glanced at Merry. "You've never worked a day in your life!"

"Well, there was that time I raked leaves for Mrs. Proudfoot," Merry said.

Frodo thought about the statement. "Wait, I did that! You just watched!"

Merry shrugged. "Same thing."

"One thing's for certain," Pippin said. "The Shire had the best biscuits in all the land!"

Up ahead, Boromir was grumbling to himself as usual. "Stupid biscuits. Stupid quest."

Pippin straightened his vest. "And what about you, Miss Nora?" he asked. "What's your land like?"

"Cold," Nora answered bluntly. "Snowy. Lots of reindeer and men with beards. They like their ale."

"Sounds like my kind of place," said Gimli.

"It's quite boring, actually," Nora continued. "Doesn't make for really good small talk."

"Well, you should visit the Shire!" Pippin said, smiling. "It's green and flowery and perfect for small talk and they've got lovely biscuits!"

"What about you, Miss Azimah?" Merry asked.

"Classified," Azimah replied dryly. Up ahead, Legolas chuckled.

Seeing the downfallen faces of the four hobbits and Fado, Azimah grew uncomfortable. "Well, maybe I'll tell you about it sometime."

"Hooray!" all five of them exclaimed. Azimah kept on walking. 'Stupid puppy dog eyes,' she thought.

"Where do you come from, Fado?" Frodo asked quietly. They were walking side by side.

"Um…it's deep in Fangorn Forest," she replied. "They live in tree houses."

"They?" Frodo asked, puzzled. "And you do not?"

"No," she said, bashfully. "I live on the outside of the community. But you should see the town hall," she went on, trying to change the subject. "It's really quite nice."

Nora looked back to Frodo and Fado and smirked. Fado blushed and gave Nora another glare. She then ran forward to join Gandalf in the front of the group. Merry and Pippin came out of nowhere and hooked arms with Frodo.

"She is so into you," Merry told him. Pippin nodded in agreement. Sam went to join the three hobbits but was pushed aside by Merry.

"No," he said. "This huddle is over."

After walking for some time, it was Nora's turn to start conversation. "Merry," she said. "Why is your name an adjective?"

Merry looked up and gave the woman a puzzling look. "Excuse me?"

"It's spelled M-E-R-R-Y, right?" Nora went on. "I should hope so, or else it would be a girl's name."

"His name's not really Merry," Pippin said.

"What is it then? Normand?" Boromir said and guffawed at his own terrible joke.

"Shut it, Boromir," Aragorn said. "You're not funny."

"Stupid Aragorn," Boromir grumbled to himself as he folded his arms and pouted.

"Actually, it's Meriadoc," Merry said.

"Well, that's very interesting," Nora said.

"My name's interesting too!" Pippin said quickly, waving his arms frantically.

Nora smiled down at the hobbit. "What is it, then?"

"It's Peregrin," Pippin said. "Peregrin Took."

It was Fado's turn to smirk.

At nightfall, they decided to make camp. Sam, the goody-two-shoes that he was, went to bed first so he would be well rested for the next day. Gimli soon followed and immediately fell asleep once his head hit the pillow. Unfortunately, everyone soon found out that he farted in his sleep and they were quick to move their bedrolls to the other side of the fire.

"Frodo," Merry said while laying on his bedroll. "Will you tell us a story about Uncle Bilbo?"

"I guess so," Frodo said, sitting up.

While Frodo told the story of how Bilbo and his companions battled Smaug the Dragon, Legolas slowly edged closer to Azimah. She gave him a curious look and he smiled. She smiled back (not that you could see it or anything) and turned to listen to Frodo's story.

The next morning, Boromir woke everyone up with an obnoxiously loud morning call on the horn of Gondor.

"Give me that!" Gandalf said grumpily as he snatched the horn out of Boromir's hands. He then proceeded to play a rather lovely jazz number on it.

"Stupid Gandalf," Boromir grumbled. "Stupid jazz. Stupid morning."

Once the fellowship had eaten breakfast (and second breakfast) and packed up any spare belongings, they were off once more. Around midday, clouds began to form in the sky. They had reached an open expanse of meadow.

"We must be quick across," Gandalf said. "There's not much tree cover here and orcs roam the area."

They walked on in silence. Fado clung loosely to Gandalf's robes with Frodo close behind. The rest of the hobbits kept close to Nora, Boromir, and Aragorn. Legolas glanced at Azimah.

"Do you sense anything?"

Azimah cocked her head slightly. 'Well, wind?' she thought. 'Is there anything out there?'

Her pace slowed. Her eyes suddenly grew wide.

"Orcs!' yelled Azimah. The orcs burst from the trees, waving an assortment of weaponry. Legolas felled several with his arrows before they reached the fellowship. Fado let loose her throwing knives as she attacked with tiny, pointy fury. Azimah swung her staff with deadly accuracy. The fellowship was in full battle mode now. Aragorn swung his sword skillfully and Boromir fought to keep up with him. Legolas shot countless arrows and still managed to keep count so that he could beat Gimli. Gimli swung his axe in determination not to let the pointy-eared Elvish princeling beat him. Nora began killing orcs with her sword, but decided that the battle-axe was a much more satisfying weapon and switched. The hobbits were trying their best; we'll give them that.

But it seemed that no matter how awesome the fellowship was, the orcs just kept coming. Fado was getting tired. A voice cracked into her head, a voice she had tried for so long to keep out. _**Just let me handle this for a little while. A little try won't hurt. I can take care of the orcs.**_

'Not after last time,' Fado thought. 'I can't control you.'

She pushed the little thought back in her mind. She then heard a yell and turned to see Frodo brandishing Sting as three orcs advanced towards him. Fado felt her anger flare. The fire was rising inside of her. _**You want to save him, no?**_ the voice taunted, and then all went black.

Frodo was backing away as the orcs advanced. This was it; he was done for! Frodo raised Sting in an effort to deflect an oncoming orc…but the blow never came. Instead, the orc burst into flame. Frodo watched in horror as it fell screaming. He looked up and there was Fado. Floating. But she wasn't herself. Her eyes had changed from green to gray and the pupils had disappeared. Her hair waved widely although there was no wind and she seemed to be surrounded by an aura of shadow and fire.

"_**Get away from him," **_she said in a voice that wasn't quite her own. As the orcs ran, she flew after them screaming like a banshee. Orcs were falling left and right. Most were now gathered in the center of the meadow. Fado flew at the mob. By now, the rest of the fellowship was simply standing and staring in awe. She landed in the middle of the brawl. A wave of flames erupted from where she had touched down and moved outward like ripples in a pond, consuming the entire horde in fire.

Fado now hovered towards where the fellowship was standing. _**"Get away from him," **_she said softly to Aragorn, who was standing in front of Frodo.

"Just wait," Aragorn said. "What did you just-"

Fado's eyes burned. _**"I said get away!"**_

Balls of fire formed in both of her hands.

"Fado!" Gandalf stepped forward, brandishing his staff.

Fado faltered for a moment, blinking several times. Her eyes returned to normal as she drifted slowly back to the ground. By the time she touched down the black aura had faded. She looked around at everyone with a terrified expression on her face.

And then she fainted.

Everyone looked at Gandalf, unsure of what to do next. He simply stepped forward, picked up Fado and placed her on Bill the pony.

"Come," he said. "We've lost time."

Everyone followed in silence.

Later that evening, everyone ate silently around the campfire. Time to time, a person would glance nervously at Fado, who lay on a sleeping mat by Bill.

"I suppose you all would like an explanation for what happened earlier," Gandalf said wearily.

"Uh, no duh," said Boromir. "No offense but that little lady is kinda creepy."

Gandalf glared at Boromir and continued.

"Most sprites are connected to the forest," he started. "They have a way with things that grow. But she," he motioned towards Fado, "is a special exception."

"Exception?" asked Nora.

"Fado is a flame sprite." Answered Gandalf.

"And is that a good thing or a bad thing?" asked Merry.

"Depends," said Gandalf, " fire is an element that is easily twisted. If a flame sprite can hone their power it can be quite useful. However," he shook his head, "Fado was shunned as a child instead of receiving proper training. She this made her an easy target for dark spirits. The one that haunts her now is particularly nasty, as you saw earlier. One day soon she will reach a turning point. And if she cannot face the darkness then," he sighed.

"What happens?" Frodo asked softly.

"It will consume her and she will be lost to it forever."

Gandalf left them to their thoughts and resumed figuring with a map. "I will try to train her as much as I can, but you all must show support."

After that people went back to their business, a little quieter than usually. Nora said something to Azimah; she nodded. They went over to Fado and gently woke her. Fado saw them and tried to hide her face, ashamed. But they kept urging her quietly. Finally, she stood and the three of them disappeared into the forest.

"Don't go far," called Aragorn.

"We won't," Nora called back.

A while later Gandalf looked up; Merry, Sam, and Gimli were all asleep. The girls had not yet returned. He turned to Frodo and Pippin who were laying out bedrolls.

"Go see where they've wandered off, please."

The hobbits pushed through the underbrush, and headed towards the sound of the girls' voices. They were getting closer by the looks of it. Pippin rounded the bend first and turned bright red. As Frodo rounded the bend, Pippin tackled him into a conveniently close shrubbery.

"What in Tolkien's name, Pip?!?" Frodo hissed.

"Quiet!" Pippin shushed, "They might hear us."

"What's the big deal?" Frodo whispered back.

Pippin turned red once more. "See for yourself," he mumbled.

Frodo peeked his head around the shrubbery and found he was blushing as well.

The girls were in the stream. Nora was wearing her cotton shift with the skirts hitched up to keep them from getting wet. Azimah stood next to her in her under tunic and leggings with the legs rolled up. It was the first time Frodo had seen her without her veil. Frodo then saw Fado and felt the color rise to his face even more. She sat neck deep in the water with her knees drawn up to chin to cover her modesty. Nora was talking quietly to Fado while Azimah was pouring water on her back.

"It wasn't your fault," Nora said, "Just let the shame roll off your back."

Pippin and Frodo made their way as quickly and quietly as possible back to camp.

"Well," said Gandalf.

"They're in the stream," said Frodo, making his bed roll as hastily as possible.

"Did you tell them to come back?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo and Pippin both felt themselves redden.

"No…" Pippin said slowly, looking to Frodo for help.

"They looked like they didn't want to be disturbed," said Frodo quickly.

That seemed to satisfy Gandalf. As Frodo nodded off to sleep, he remembered Fado's face. So cold and hurt, but she hadn't cried. She had never cried once.

…………

Aggie: Finished yet another chapter, my good sir!

Moolie: Yes, and not a moment too soon. Ginny's home!

Aggie: Oh, terrific. How was your date with that _boy_?

Ginny: It was…fine…

Moolie: Did ya kiss him?

Ginny: Please don't attack me with your idiotic questions…

Aggie: You did, didn't you?! Naughty Ginny!

Ginny: Ugh, I hate my roommates!

Moolie: Then why don't you move in with that _boy_?!

Ginny: AHH!!!!


	8. Pancakes or Waffles?

Moolie: Okay, people, time for your weekly bath!

Aggie: Aw!

Ginny: I call dibs first! *runs to go take bath.*

Moolie: I feel as if I'm forgetting something…

Ginny: Wha! Why is there a whale in the tub?!

Moolie: Whoops…

…………

Chapter Eight: Pancakes or Waffles?

"Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony…"

"Shut up, Pippin!" Boromir yelled. He was having a bad day; you see, he couldn't get his beard to look the way he wanted it to that morning. Aragorn's beard, on the other hand, was perfect as always.

"Stupid Aragorn," Boromir grumbled. "Stupid beard. Stupid Yankee Doodle."

Meanwhile, Gandalf and Fado were walking ahead of the group. Gandalf was sharing some important tips.

"You must focus all your energy in one point of your body." He said. "That way, you can control it easierly."

Fado thought about this. "Is 'easierly' actually a word?"

"Never mind that," Gandalf said. "Try it now, Fado."

Fado really wasn't sure what she was doing but began to think about the palm of her hand. She looked at Gandalf. "Nothing."

"Try again. Focus."

"Okay, got it."

"And be sure not to break your concentration."

"Affirmative."

"_Use the force_."

"Gandalf, shut up."

"Oh, sorry. Getting a little carried away there."

Again, Fado tried to concentrate on the palm of her hand. There was a glow. An ember was starting to form. It started to hiss and spew small sparks (kinda like the little sparkly wands you get on New Year's).

"Gandalf!" Fado exclaimed. "Look!"

The flame extinguished with a small _pfff_. "Aw."

"Do not fret," Gandalf said. "Keep concentrated."

"Like juice," Nora, who was watching from a distance, added.

About an hour later, Fado was able to keep a steady fireball in her hands. "Hey guys, look! Look what I can do!"

She twirled around to show them and accidentally shot a wheel of fire down the road. "Whoops."

"In coming!" Gimli called out as he dove to a nearby bush. The others followed his example.

"In coming!"

"In coming!"

"Coming in!"

"No, Pippin," Boromir shouted. "Wrong!"

Pippin hung his head in shame.

Later at dinner when Fado practiced again, everybody took the initiative to hide behind a rather large rock. Well, everyone except Nora and Azimah, who were sitting atop a tree and watching in amusement.

"Want a sandwich?" Azimah asked as she pulled out a long submarine sandwich from behind her veil.

"Where'd that come from?!" Nora asked in surprise.

"Well, there was this vender on the side of the road…" Azimah started.

"Quiet," Nora cut in, pulling Azimah's hand to make her sit down. "It's starting."

Back on the ground, Gandalf was readying Fado for her next lesson.

"So what we're going to try now is to see if you can control fire without having your hands on it," he began.

"And how do I do that?" Fado questioned.

"You simply have to move your point of concentration from your hand to the fireball," said Gandalf. "After you get the hang of it, we'll try with several at a time."

"Can they be different colors?"

"No," Gandalf said.

"Aw."

"Maybe if we have time later."

"Yay!"

As the lesson began, those hunkering down behind the rock were getting impatient.

"Merry!"

"What?"

"I have to pee. Is she done?"  
"I don't know, Pip. But you can take your chances."

"Are you sure?"  
"Run, Pip, run away and never look back!"

"This should be interesting," Legolas whispered.

"I'll bet he won't make it back alive," Gimli challenged.

"I'll bet he'll make it back," Legolas said. "With injuries, of course."

"He'll make it back unscathed, knowing his luck," Aragorn said.

"I'll bet-" started Sam.

"This man huddle is over," Aragorn interrupted.

"Look, there he goes!" Boromir whispered.

Meanwhile, in the tree…

"Hey, is that Pippin?" Nora asked.

"Yeah, I think it is," Azimah replied. "Ha, he just barely dodged that fireball!"

"Hey, Pippin!" Nora called out. "Look out to your right!"  
Pippin let out a small yell as he dodged yet another fireball.

"Sorry, I meant my right!"  
"Stop helping me!" Pippin yelled as he finally made it to the bushes.

"Where's he going?" Nora mumbled. "Looks like he's…"

"Don't look!" Azimah said quickly, shielding Nora's eyes with her hands.

Pippin just barely managed to pee and make it back to the bush before Fado let another fireball fly.

"This is getting dangerous, Mr. Frodo," Sam stated worriedly.

"What were you expecting when you volunteered for this journey?" Frodo asked, smiling as Fado set a nearby bush on fire.

***

"I'm tired!" said Merry.

"I'm hungry!" said Sam.

"You're always hungry!" Gandalf snapped. He was very grumpy after not being able to perform his weekly yoga session.

"My knee hurts!" Pippin complained.

"Which knee?" said Aragorn.

"…My elbow hurts!" Pippin continued.

Gimli suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. He took a few quick whiffs of the air.

"What is it?" asked Nora. "What do you smell?"

Gimli turned to her. "_Ambrosia_." Then, without warning, he took off sprinting down the road.

"Gimli, where are you going?" Gandalf yelled. Everyone took off after him. As they rounded a bend, the hobbits' keen senses began to pick up as well.

"I smell pancakes," said Sam.

"Biscuits!" Pippin added.

"Bacon!" said Nora.

"Sausages!" said Fado.

"Fried tomatoes!" said Merry.

"WAAAAAFFFFLLLESSSSS!!!" Gimli screamed as he sprinted ahead of the group to a cozy looking building on the side of the road. As the rest of the fellowship reached it, they saw the sign read "Ye Olde Waffle House Inne".

Azimah looked at the sign curiously. "That 'e' doesn't belong there…"

Going inside, they were hit by a plethora (vocabulary word of the day, look it up) of delicious smells.

"Pip, I think we've made it to heaven," Merry said with wide eyes.

"I didn't think I could make it," Pippin responded.

Suddenly, a woman burst from behind the kitchen doors toting platters of steaming food. "Welcome, darlings!" she exclaimed. "It's been so long since we've had visitors! Bolsworth, Bolsworth! Strike up a tune!"

A skinny old man sleeping in a corner jumped up half-heartily and began to play on his lyre.

Gimli, who had been jumping in excitement only moments ago, was now quite betaken by the magnificent woman before him. She was grand in all respects. She seemed to grow everywhere; up and out, and she had a great mass of auburn hair piled on top of her head.

"Sit down, dears!" she said as she beckoned a very nervous Fado into a chair. "Sit down and stay awhile." She set down the platters of scrumptious breakfast food.

"Food!" the hobbits screamed as all four of them ran to the table.

Everyone else took their seats. "My name is Bonnie, and I will be your waitress this morning," the woman said.

"May I ask you something, madam?" Gimli asked.

"Go ahead, sweet cheeks," Bonnie replied, batting her eyelashes.

"Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"When you fell from heaven."

"Oh, you rascal!" she said, slapping him playfully on the shoulder. As they flirted (if this could be classified as flirting), the rest of the fellowship watched in utter horror.

"I'm gonna go get y'all some coffee," Bonnie said and walked off. Gimli watched after her in interest.

"That lass is somethin', isn't she?" he said dreamily.

Aragorn simply stared at him with his fork halfway to his mouth. "I didn't know you had it in you, Gimli."

Bonnie came back in with a platter of cups, a coffee pot, a sugar bowl, and a mug of cream. "Here's some sugar for my sugar pie," she said, smiling at Gimli. Gimli responded with a smarmy eyebrow wiggle.

Bonnie rounded the table, watching the group eat in satisfaction until she saw Azimah.

"Why don't you dig in, darling?" she asked. "You're nothin' but skin and bones!" Bonnie took Azimah's wrist in her own hand and shook her head. "Not enough meat on ya, girl."

Azimah just stared, not exactly sure what to say. "Why can't you be more like this girl?" Bonnie added, gesturing to Nora, who was stuffing her face with food.

"Are you calling me fat?" Nora asked through a mouthful of food.

"No, dearie, I just like seeing a healthy appetite," Bonnie answered, winking at Gimli. Gimli returned the wink, much to the dismay of his cohorts.

"This is quite disturbing," Frodo muttered to Fado.

***

After everyone had finished, Gandalf stood to pay the bill. "We really must be off."

"No!" Gimli yelled, grabbing onto Gandalf's sleeve and pulling him down to ear level. "This is the first woman I've ever liked who hasn't had a beard."

"Yeah, and it's gonna storm in a minute," Nora added. "Like, really bad. The hobbits will, like, drown."

Gandalf turned to Nora. "That's an overstatement."

BOOOOM!!! The thunder crashed, followed by the clatter of heavy rain on the roof.

Pippin turned to Nora. "How did you..?"

"It's a gift," Nora said, shrugging.

"I guess we're staying the night, then," Gandalf sighed.

Bonnie's face lit up. "Perfect! Follow me to your rooms!"

The fellowship followed the woman up the stairs and into a small hallway.

"Unfortunately, there are only three rooms," Bonnie said. "So you'll just have to share."

"I don't wanna share a room with Aragorn!" Boromir complained. "Or Gimli! He farts!"

Gimli blushed in embarrassment. "That's not necessarily true, Bonnie, dear…"

Bonnie smiled. "Oh, I don't mind. I'm sure they smell lovely."

The rest of the group remained silent. Aragorn shook his head slowly.

"Now, I'll just leave you to figure out who sleeps where," Bonnie said as she descended the stairs.

The fellowship looked at each other.

"I'm not sharing a room with Gimli," Merry stated.

…………

Aggie: Moolie, we don't have room for a baby yellow whale in our bathroom. I'm not even sure yellow whales exist!

Ginny: We don't even have a bathroom! It's just a toilet and a tub behind a bunch of curtains!

Moolie: But I wanna keep Donald…

Ginny: You've named him Donald?

Donald: Haroooo!!!

Aggie: O.O

Moolie: Well, from our lack of a bathroom to yours…

All (including Donald): Haroooo!


	9. The Longest Chapter Yet

Aggie: We've been locked up in this apartment for _days_.

Moolie: You see, there have been many cases of cooties around the apartment building lately.

Ginny: You two look ridiculous in those masks and rubber gloves.

Moolie: Precautions!

Aggie: Yeah, don't start whining when you catch cooties, Ginny. We warned you…

Moolie: They've also seemed to infect this chapter. Beware.

.........

Chapter Nine: The Longest Chapter Yet :D

After much debating, arguing, and tears, the rooming arrangements had been determined. It was decided that Gimli would be sleeping out in the barn with Bill, the only one who could stand his flatulence. To Boromir's dismay, he was forced to room with Aragorn, Gandalf, and Legolas. The hobbits got their own room and the girls were left to share a room with each other.

"This is gonna be great! Just like a sleepover!" Pippin exclaimed with joy.

Merry shot a questionable glance at Frodo. "I do enjoy sleepovers, don't you, Frodo?" he said, nodding conspicuously towards Fado. Frodo merely rolled his eyes at his cousin and set down his pack. The hobbits promptly started a pillow fight and began jumping on their beds.

Meanwhile, Bonnie showed the girls to their room. Inside were a chest of drawers, a pitcher and wash bowl, and an enormous bed situated in the corner. Azimah noted that there was a small space between the wall and the side of the bed. 'This could pose as a foreshadowed problem,' she thought.

Fado opened up what she thought was a closet. Instead there was a little hallway. "Where does this go, I wonder?" Fado said to herself.

In the hobbits' room, Frodo and Merry were tackling Pippin while Sam was putting their things away. He opened up the closet door. "Oh dear. What's Fado doing in our closet?"

"What are you doing in _my _closet?" Fado asked.

"Are you meaning to say that we have conjoining rooms?" said Frodo.

Merry shot Pippin a glance. "Pip, I think these mattresses have lost their spring. Shall we?"

"After you, cousin!"

With that, the hobbits grabbed their pillows and ran to the girls' room. Azimah had finally gotten to sit down on the nice, comfy bed when the hobbits came thundering in, pummeling Fado in the process. They then proceeded to jump onto the girls' bed and continue their pillow fight.

Azimah sat there with her face in her hands. "I need some me time." She quietly stepped out of the room and crept down the hallway. She heard shouting from the next room:

"Aragorn's hogging the sink!"

"Am not, Boromir! You don't even need to shave!"

"Neither do you!"

"That doesn't mean I can't shave right now!"

"That didn't even make sense! Stupid Aragorn. Stupid inn. Stupid mirror."

"Silence, you two! I'm in the middle of my yoga session!"

Just then, Legolas slipped out of the room. "It's getting pretty weird in there."

"You think it's weird in _there_?" Azimah said, smiling under her veil. The two walked down the stairs and found Bonnie feeding Gimli a piece of cake. Azimah's eye started to twitch. "We need to get out of here." Legolas nodded and led her out a door and onto a back porch.

"Crazy day, huh?" Legolas started.

"Yeah, crazy-" Azimah suddenly paused and spun her head around to face the window. "Did you hear that?"

"Are you hearing voices again, Azimah?"

"Nooo…" Azimah said quietly, glaring at the window. Behind the curtain Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Nora, and Fado all peeped, trying to catch a glimpse of what the elves were doing.

"I'm gonna kill them, I swear…" Azimah muttered.

"What was that?" Legolas asked, totally clueless.

"I'm going inside now," Azimah said. "I have…matters…to attend to."

***

That evening, the fellowship settled down to a delicious dinner of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, potato salad, butter rolls, collard greens, baked beans, and four different flavors of pie. To no one's surprise, the whole bowl of baked beans was almost instantly devoured by Gimli.

"Well now what do we do?" said Boromir as they sat around the fireplace enjoying an after dinner brandy and cigar.

"Well," said Merry. "There's this old game we used to play in the Shire as kids. Do you lads remember 'Wink'?"

Sam gasped dramatically. "Yes, I remember! I used to play that game with Rosie! My old Gaffer would always give me a good thrashing if he saw us, but I didn't care!"

"Oh, Sam, you old rebel," Merry said, clearly not interested.

Aragorn had now gained a competitive gleam in his eyes. "And how does one play this Wink?"

"First, we have to have an odd number of players," Merry started.

"That leaves me out, then," Gandalf said quickly. "I'm off to get my beauty sleep."

"Okay," Merry continued. "There are eleven of us, correct? So, five of us will sit in a semicircle and another five will sit behind them. One person is in the middle facing away from the group. Everyone pair up!"

The group did as told. Aragorn and Boromir paired up for some unknown reason. Merry got stuck with Gimli. Legolas tried to pair up with Azimah, who instead quickly grabbed Fado, forcing Legolas to partner with Frodo. That left Pippin and Nora together.

Sam was the only one left.

"Congratulations, Samwise," Merry said with a smile. "You are now the Wink!"

"Yay..?" Sam said.

"Right," said Merry. "Now, Sam's gonna face the wall. At Sam's signal, the inner circle (that's Nora, Boromir, Gimli, Fado, and Frodo) is gonna try to kiss Sam somewhere on his face. Meanwhile, the outer circle (that's Pip, Aragorn, me, Azimah, and Legolas) are gonna use whatever means necessary to stop them."

"Wait," Boromir said, a slightly disgusted look on his face. "We have to kiss _that_?!"

Merry avoided Boromir and clapped his hands. "Let's begin! Whenever you're ready, Sam."

Everyone waited. "Sam…you can go now…"

"Oh, okay…GO!"

Aragorn tackled Boromir and put him in a headlock. Azimah began to tickle Fado, who started laughing uncontrollably. Frodo was off to a good start, but Legolas soon grabbed his ankle and was holding on quite easily. At first, Merry had tried to keep Gimli seated, but soon figured out that the dwarf could launch himself using high-powered fart blasts. Soon Aragorn and Boromir's fight had turned into a full-out brawl and they quickly rolled into Legolas and Frodo.

Pippin was having a bit of trouble keeping Nora seated. In moments, she had escaped his grasp and was sitting next to Sam. She then reluctantly kissed his fat cheek.

"Ew!" Nora yelled, drawing her face from Sam's.

"Nora's the winner!" Merry exclaimed. "She is now the next Wink. Everyone switch partners."

"And shut up!" added Gandalf from the stairwell. "I'm trying to sleep here. Can't afford any bags under my eyes!"

The partners switched. Sam was now partnered with Pippin, Merry with Fado, Azimah with Gimli, Legolas with Boromir, and Frodo left with Aragorn.

Nora turned around and waited until it was quiet. "GO!"

Boromir glared at Aragorn and tackled him. Legolas and Frodo just sat there quite confused. Merry locked Fado in a bear hug, shooting snide glances at Frodo. Azimah grabbed Gimli by the beard, rendering him helpless. "Not the beard! That's my lady magnet!" Bonnie, who was watching with a cup of coffee in her hands, laughed.

Pippin managed to escape Sam's tiny, chubby hands and sprinted towards Nora, but tripped. By now, Fado had escaped Merry's bear hug and tripped Pippin as he tried to get up again. She soon reached Nora and quickly kissed her atop her head.

"We have another winner!" Merry exclaimed. "Fado, sit!"

Fado did as she was told and waited for the partners to switch. Teams: Boromir and Frodo, Gimli and Sam, Pippin and Legolas, Nora and Azimah, and Aragorn and Merry. Fado shouted "GO!"

Yet again, even though Boromir and Aragorn were not partners and were on completely different sides of the semicircle, they managed to leap over everyone and start another brutal fight. Pippin began to pull viciously on Legolas's hair. Nora and Azimah began hitting each other lazily. Gimli body slammed Sam to the ground.

Seeing that his partner Boromir was occupied, Frodo dashed to the center. Merry, however, was left without a partner too and decided to stop Frodo. The two hobbits tumbled to the floor and started a fight of such epic proportions that the authors cannot even begin to explain (we got lazy). Finally after much effort, Frodo managed to break free of Merry's grasp long enough to lean over and peck Fado on the cheek.

Merry sighed. "We have a winner."

***

After that riveting game of Wink, the fellowship headed off to their separate rooms. Nora dove onto the giant bed, rolling around in glee. "No more damned rocks in my back in the middle of the night."

"I hate sharing rooms," grumbled Azimah as she settled on the side of the bed closest to the wall. Azimah and Nora were just drifting off to sleep when "WHEEEEEEEE!" Fado dove into the space between them and snuggled up against Azimah.

"Get off me!" Azimah said, pushing the Sprite away from her. Fado curled tightly into a ball and immediately went to sleep.

"Someone's angsty, aren't we?" Nora said, rolling over on the bed.

"Get your feet away from me, they're cold!" Azimah complained. "I hate feet…"

Azimah went on grumbling and mumbling, angsty elf that she was. Suddenly, Nora quieted her. "I think Fado's talking in her sleep," she said. Both turned and listened intently as the Sprite tossed, mumbling.

"No, Frodo, I don't want pancakes. They're too illogical…"

Azimah and Nora looked at each other in amusement. Nora then yawned and purposely stretched her arms to hit Azimah in the face. "Well then! I think we should hit the hay."

Azimah frowned but was too tired to hit back or question her silly human colloquialism.

"HAY?!" a voice came from outside the window. "There's too much hay in here!"

"Is that Gimli?" Nora asked.

Azimah shook her head. "Just go to bed."

Once the girls had finally drifted off to sleep, four small shadows crept through the door.

"Shh, be quiet. They'll hear us!"

"Merry, what are we doing?"

"I don't know…Sam!"

BOOM!

Azimah immediately sat up. "Huh? What was that?" She promptly plopped back down and fell back to sleep.

"Geez, Sam! Go ahead and trip over the nightstand, why don't you!"

"I…I'm sorry, Merry…I don't even know why I'm here."

"Yeah, Merry, what's this genius plan you got us all into?"

"Well, Frodo…I don't know. It seemed like a good idea 20 seconds ago."

Meanwhile, Pippin was sideling over to where Nora was sleeping. "She really is pretty. I wonder…"

As he reached out to touch Nora's hair, Sam tripped again.

"What was that!?" Azimah said, once again sitting up in the bed.

"Deploy! Go, go, go!" Merry yelled, rushing the hobbits out of the room.

"Wait, where's Pippin?" Frodo asked.

"Who cares? Run!"

They slammed the door and Azimah grumbled back to sleep. Suddenly there was a loud boom from her side of the bed.

"Dammit, I'm stuck…" And she was. Apparently, Fado kicks a lot in her sleep.

***

The next morning:

"Has anyone seen the shampoo?" Gandalf said as he burst into the room. "...oooh…"

The scene before him was quite puzzling. First of all, Azimah had completely disappeared between the wall and the bed. In the center of the bed was a giant cocoon of blankets, coverings, and sheets. And finally, most disturbing, was Pippin…

"Pippin?" Gandalf mumbled.

Legolas burst in with shampoo covering his head, a loofah in his hand, and a towel around his waist. "Sorry, Gandalf, I needed the shampoo…oooh…"

Boromir and Aragorn then burst in after Legolas, their faces covered in shaving cream. "Legolas, you have to judge our shaving contest…oooh…"

The window then flew open and in climbed Gimli with straw in his beard. "Morning, all…oooh…"

Pippin and Nora lay snuggled close together on the far side of the bed.

The hobbits peeked their heads around the corner.

"Oh, so that's where he went," Sam stated quietly.

"Lucky duck," Merry said.

"Wait a minute," Frodo said. "Where's Fado?"

All of a sudden, the cocoon unraveled, revealing a still curled up Fado. She yawned and stretched her arms. "Good morning…oooh…"

"Rough night, eh?" Aragorn said, smiling beneath all the shaving cream.

"You have no idea," said a muffled voice from in between the wall and the bed.

"Azimah?" Legolas muttered, loofah still in hand.

"Finally, someone notices me," the voice said. She sounded as if her face was squashed against the wall.

"How did you get there, Azimah?" Fado asked.

"You kicked me, you idiot," Azimah mumbled.

Nora eyes fluttered open then widened as she noticed Pippin's face only inches from hers.

"Gaaaaaah!" she shrieked as she pushed him away from her. Pippin yelped and fell off the bed. "Out, out, OUT!" Nora shouted as she ran everyone out of the room. "That includes you!" she said, closing the window on Gimli's face. He fell backward into the large hay pile below the window. "No, the hay!"

"…I still need someone to help me up."

***

Back in the hallway, Merry turned to Pippin. "Well, Pip, I must say I'm awful proud. Though I never thought you had it in you."

"It's really not like that," Pippin said.

(_Flashback…_

_Aggie: Moolie! Where are the dancing girls that were supposed to announce this flashback?_

_Moolie: I don't know. Just go on without them!_)

Merry slammed the door behind him, leaving Pippin all alone in the girls' room. He checked the doors. They were locked. He then heard an ominous thump.

"Dammit, I'm stuck!"

Pippin yawned. He really was quite sleepy. He crept over to Nora's side of the bed. There was a space next to her. He lay down, careful not to disturb her. Nora then garbled something in Norse and sleepily wrapped her arms around the hobbit.

Pippin found himself in a predicament. On one hand, he didn't want to wake Nora up. On the other hand, she would probably kill him the next morning. Eventually, he simply snuggled closer and went to sleep.

_(End flashback dammit)._

"So you see, it wasn't really my fault," Pippin said.

"I couldn't tell, Pip. It was your flashback, not mine."

………

Ginny: We apologize for that strange chapter. We were listening to a bunch of New Kids on the Block and Rick Astley.

Aggie: Moolie, you never did get those dancing girls.

Moolie: Here they come!

*In enters Donald the Yellow Whale with a top hat and cane followed by a bunch of showgirls doing the Japan-can.*

Ginny: Again, we apologize.


	10. Cuz that's part of BEING A MAN!

Aggie: Greetings, readers. Moolie is not here for now, so Ginny and I decided to type the next chapter ourselves.

Ginny: So read.

Aggie: And review.

Ginny: Yes, and review. We enjoy those reviews.

Aggie: Where's Donald by the way?

............

Chapter Ten: Cuz that's part of BEING A MAN!

Azimah awoke early the next morning. She couldn't fall back to sleep, so she decided to go downstairs and get a cup of tea, and maybe a scone, and she had to go potty as well. As she sat down at the kitchen table with a mug in her hand, the back door opened and in stepped Gimli, his beard messy and his clothes askew. Hay clung to his clothes and hair.

"Oh, uh, hullo…" he stuttered once he saw Azimah. "I was just, uh…, not Bonnie, no…and there was this python…and….yeah"

Before he could come up with an excuse, Bonnie walked in, her hair messier than it usually was. Like Gimli, hay clung to her hair and clothes.

Azimah gawked at the sight before her. "Wha…"

The two blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"What is this?" Azimah finally managed to say.

"Oh, it's nothing, dearie," Bonnie replied hastily. "You're only dreaming. It's all just a dream…go home…"

Bonnie waved her hands in a circular motion and slowly backed out of the room, with Gimli close behind. Azimah continued to sit and ponder the scene. She hoped it really was just a dream.

***

Gandalf thought it was best to leave that morning. Before they departed, however, he caught a whiff of the group and gagged.

"It's time everyone took a bath," Gandalf said, holding his nose.

The fellowship groaned at the thought of bath time. Except Pippin, of course.

"Hooray!" the hobbit exclaimed. "I wanna go first!"

"No," Aragorn said. "Since I am the manliest man here, I will go first."

"No, I'm the manliest man here!" Boromir argued.

"No, I am!"

"There's only one way to settle this," Azimah said. "Rock-paper-scissors."

Aragorn and Boromir nodded in agreement. They got into their positions and waited for Azimah's signal.

"Go!"

Aragorn immediately tackled Boromir to the floor. Azimah sighed, but knew that this was as close to a game of rock-paper-scissors as the two men were going to get.

"Aragorn's the winner," she said.

As Boromir went into the corner to pout, Aragorn triumphantly walked into the bathroom with a towel. Everyone could hear him singing in the bathtub about being a man.

"I scrub with the bubbles and subconsciously reflex my biceps, I look scraggly and manly and oh so amazingly tan, cuz that's part of being a man!"

One hour later, Aragorn emerged from the bathroom with a towel tied around his waist. As Boromir crossed paths with him going into the bathroom, the two glared at each other for a moment. There was epic music playing in the background. Suddenly, Boromir tripped Aragorn and ran into the bathroom, laughing maniacally.

Boromir took a quick bath, for Gandalf was angry that they had wasted so much time. Now and again, they could hear Boromir mumbling in the bathtub.

"Stupid baths. Stupid biceps. Stupid rubber duckie. Stupid loofah."

Once he emerged from the bathroom looking quite irritated, it was Legolas's turn. After half an hour, Gandalf banged his fist on the door.

"Are you finished yet?" he yelled. "You're taking too long."

"But I'm not even done washing my hair," Legolas called out.

Azimah went after Legolas. After a quick bath, she came out of the room with a towel wrapped around her face and head. Nora, who was in the girls' room, heard a loud thump outside the room and went to see what had happened. Azimah had knocked into the wall and was lying on the floor, trying to get up.

Gandalf went next. He walked into the bathroom in a raincoat. No one said anything.

After Gandalf stepped out, still in his raincoat but looking quite refreshed, it was Fado's turn. Outside the bathroom, the fellowship could hear splashing and the squeaking of a rubber duckie. "Rubber duckie, you're the one, you make bath time lots of fun, Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you! Boo Boo Bee Doo…"

Once Fado had finished, it was the hobbits' turn. To save time, they had to take a bath together.

Sam had finished his bath first, but waited for Frodo to finish before he stepped out. Merry had finished third, and instead of covering himself with a towel, he ran down the hallway in the nude. Azimah had the misfortune of being in the hallway at the same time. As Merry passed her, she turned around and banged her head on the wall.

Pippin was left alone in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Nora was hiding out in the room, trying to avoid bath time. Bonnie burst into the room carrying a broom and cleaning supplies. She spotted a rather large lump on the bed and hit it with her broom.

"Ow!"

Bonnie rolled her eyes and threw the covers off Nora.

"What're you doin' in here, child?" she asked. "You better go take a bath."

"I'm not taking a bath!" Nora cried.

"Oh, yes you are!" Bonnie declared. "You wanna look your best when travellin' with all those fine young men, don't ya?"

Nora frowned. "I _hate _baths."

"Too bad," Bonnie said, grabbing Nora's wrist and dragging her out of the room and down the hallway. Nora tried with all her strength to escape Bonnie's grasp, but Bonnie was much too strong and continued down the hallway, finally arriving at the bathroom. Without knocking, she opened the door and pulled a struggling Nora in with her.

A quick yelp on the other side of the room caught their attention. They turned to see Pippin still in the bathtub, trying to sink below the bubbles as far as possible.

"Gaaaa!" he yelled at the two women. Bonnie muttered an apology and led Nora, who was now giggling uncontrollably, out of the bathroom.

***

"Is everyone ready?" Gandalf called out above the chatter. A few people nodded.

"Where's Gimli?" Aragorn asked, looking around the group. "I haven't seen him all morning."

"Is…is he still in the barn?" Frodo asked.

"Aragorn," Boromir said. "Go check the barn."

"No, you go check," Aragorn said.

Boromir sighed. "_Fine_. I'll go check."

Boromir made his way to the back door and walked out to the barn. There was Bill eating near a stack of hay, and lying on the hay was Gimli, snoring ferociously.

"Gimli?" Boromir called out quietly as he walked towards the hay. As he got within touching distance of the dwarf, he stopped. Gimli smelled _terrible_.

He quickly ran back to the inn where the rest of the fellowship was waiting impatiently.

"Well?" Gandalf asked.

"We forgot to tell Gimli to bathe," Boromir said. "And he smells _bad_."

"I've got an idea," Aragorn said with a slight smile.

Boromir refused to go back to the barn. Instead, Aragorn went, protecting his nose with a clothes pin, rubber gloves, and a canister of Clorox wipes. Gimli was just waking up when Aragorn walked up to him.

"Hey, buddy…" Aragorn said slowly when Gimli sat up. "How are you..?"

"Huh?" Gimli grunted, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. "What's going on? Why do you have that clothes pin on your nose?"

"Oh, no reason. Come over here, I wanna show you something…" Aragorn said, motioning for Gimli to follow him. He led the sleepy dwarf to a horse trough.

"What—" Gimli started, but Aragorn cut him off by dunking his entire head in the trough. He allowed Gimli to come up for air and then quickly dunked his head once more into the water before Gimli could call out any foul names. Aragorn did this repeatedly until most of the dirt had washed off of the dwarf's face.

Once he had let Gimli go, the angry dwarf was shouting and cursing in rage. He then quickly ran into the house to dry off.

***

Gimli refused to go without saying his farewells. He walked up to Bonnie, his irate face replaced with a placid smile for the time being.

"Well, Miss Bonnie," he began, wringing his hands nervously. "It was real nice of you to take us in like you did and I'm really gonna miss you and…and…"

Bonnie held a finger up to Gimli's lips. "Quiet."

Gimli grimaced and looked at her, not sure what to expect. Finally, Bonnie pulled her finger away and sighed.

"Kiss me, you fool!"

Without skipping a beat, Gimli took Bonnie's face in his rugged hands and pulled her down to his level. There is no need to explain how utterly disturbed the rest of the fellowship was at that moment. We have reports that Aragorn may have cried.

***

Pippin walked with Merry in silence. Every so often he would glance at Nora and blush, remembering the events that had taken place the past couple of days. He hoped that she had forgotten about the bath incident, but her silence told him otherwise. Needless to say, Merry was enjoying himself.

Gandalf marched ahead of the group, sharing tips with Fado. Fado, however, seemed a bit bored with the conversation, and kept glancing back at Frodo. Now and again, their eyes would meet and they would blush. Merry took note of this and started speaking loudly.

"Maybe after all this is over, Fado, you could accompany me back to the Shire," he said, smirking mischievously. "I have a nice little place down there."

"I, uh…" Fado started.

Frodo turned his head slightly, an irritated look on his face, "You live with your parents."

"You'd like it there," Merry smiled, trying to ignore Frodo. "I'd show you a good time."

"Merry," Frodo said in a stern voice.

Merry ignored his cousin. "What do you say, Fado?"

Fado glanced at Frodo for help. Frodo looked at her thoughtfully, hoping she wouldn't give into Merry's efforts.

"That's enough, Merry," Aragorn said calmly. Merry frowned. Then he threw rocks at birds.

***

The fellowship walked on until they arrived at a hill. They decided to camp there until the morning. While Gandalf continued his training session with Fado, Aragorn thought it best to teach the hobbits how to fight properly, seeing as they could fight as well as a bunch of sleep-deprived kindergarteners.

Boromir thought this idea was a perfect way to show off his mad skills with the sword and volunteered to teach the hobbits himself.

"No, Boromir, it was my idea," Aragorn protested.

"But I wanna show off my skills!"

Aragorn thought about this. "How about we try that rock-paper-scissors game again?"

"Oh no," Azimah muttered.

"Ready?" Aragorn said, getting into position. "1…2…"

Without warning, Boromir tackled Aragorn to the ground.

Again, Azimah sighed, wondering if all Men were like this.

"Boromir wins," she said.

She and Nora sat on a nearby rock, eating from a bowl of popcorn. Watching the hobbits getting pummeled by Boromir was very entertaining. Meanwhile, they could hear shouts from Fado as she fumbled with her fire and whatnot. Gimli sat on nearby rock, looking at the ground and pouting.

"You okay, Gimli?" Nora tried tentatively.

"I'm never eating waffles again…" He mumbled, and then turned away, " I think I have something in my eye."

As Pippin and Merry tackled Boromir to the ground, Legolas, who had been watching for orcs, happened to spot a rather large black cloud in the sky.

"What's that, Gandalf?" he asked. Gandalf turned from his session with Fado and looked to the sky.

"Probably just a cloud," Gimli said.

"It's too fast to be a cloud," Legolas said. "Crebain from Dunland! Hide!"

"Wait!" screamed Boromir, "I didn't get to say my line!"

Quickly, Sam put out the fire and ran under a nearby boulder. Frodo spotted Fado and tackled her into the bushes.

"Frodo, boy, this is not the time for that!" Merry whispered. Frodo glared at Merry but said nothing.

Legolas tried to help Azimah under a boulder, but Azimah shook him off.

"I don't need your help…" she muttered as she crawled under the huge rock. Legolas sighed and went in after her.

Nora grabbed Pippin's hand and led him into the bushes. Gimli went to hide under the boulder, forcing everyone to scoot away in fear of his flatulence.

Aragorn and Boromir were fighting over a spot that was under the boulder. " Stupid spot…stupid line… Stupid boulderdash…" Gandalf saw that they were running out of time and simply pushed them both under. He then quickly followed them.

The cloud, which turned out to be birds, flew over the hill. Once they had passed, Gandalf slowly crawled out of his hiding place.

"The pass has been watched," he declared, and then said as he turned his head dramatically, "We must take to the mountains."

Everyone groaned.

***

"What is this white stuff?"

"It's snow, Azimah," Nora said. "You've never seen snow before?"

Azimah shook her head. "I live in a desert. The closest we have to snow is _sand_."

"Well, that's not very close to snow at all," Fado pointed out.

Azimah knelt down and poked the snow with her index finger. Her eyes widened and she pulled her hand back.

"It's cold!"

"No duh!" Boromir said, smiling in delight at what he thought was a clever response.

Fado rolled her eyes.

They trudged on. The snow was getting deeper and the hobbits and Fado seemed tired. The group decided to rest for a while on a piece of flat land. After an hour or so of resting, Azimah was getting bored.

"Hey," she said, nudging Nora. "Hey, Nora! You see that little hill over there?"

Nora looked in the direction the elf indicated. "Yeah…."

"You see that?" Azimah continued, pointing to Boromir's belongings.

"Yeah…" Nora answered with a grin, catching on.

"Okay, go!!"

The both of them jumped Boromir, stole his milk money, and stole his circular shield. It would make a perfect sled.

As the two zoomed down the hill in the shield with Boromir yelling angrily from the sidelines, Gandalf stood up with a spectacular hair-beard flip combo. "We must move on."

The group reluctantly got up and followed the old man.

"I'll go scout ahead!" Legolas announced.

"Oh no, you won't," huffed Gandalf, shoving Legolas face first into the most epic face plant known to elf-kind.

Hours passed. The sun was beginning to set. To the fellowship, walking in the mountains seemed to last forever.

"How come you can walk on the snow?" Gimli demanded, trudging laboriously through the waist-deep snow. He glared at Azimah and Legolas.

Legolas just smiled and Azimah shrugged. "I dunno…."

"It's because elves are light-footed and not as heavy as us other folk," Aragorn stated, feeling smart.

"Shut up Aragorn! Nobody likes you!" Boromir shouted.

"Hey! That's not true! Everyone loves me cuz I'm gonna be king!!" Aragorn shouted. He then pranced ungracefully onward through the snow. Well, he didn't really prance. Trampled, maybe. Treaded even… Flattened in a poised manner.

"Stupid king. Stupid elves. Stupid snow," grumbled Boromir.

As they walked higher up into the mountains, the winds became vicious. The hobbits and Fado could no longer walk; instead they were carried. Legolas cocked his head to one side, "There is a fell voice in the air! It sounds like Jay Leno!"

"Its Saruman!!!!" Gandalf panicked.

"Scaryman!!!" screamed the hobbits.

"No, no, Sar-u-man, not ScaryMUMPH!" The snow avalanche came tumbling on top of the fellowship.

Gimli arose from the snow like a bear from hibernation.

Legolas shook the snow from his creamy locks.

Fado tunneled to the surface like a prairie dog.

After surfacing, Gandalf looked back at Frodo. Gimli had mentioned the mines of Moria some time ago, but Gandalf had just pushed the thought aside. He was now seriously considering it.

"To Moria," Frodo called ahead. Gandalf grimaced, afraid that it was their only option. He then nodded and led the group toward the mines of Moria.

***

Aggie: And we are DONE!

Ginny: Oh goody. Just in time, too. I've gotta go to work.

Aggie: You got a new job?

Ginny: *sigh* Yes, I told you about it last week.

Aggie: Huh?

Ginny: It's at the bakery.

Aggie: Ahahahaha!

Ginny: What's so funny?

Aggie: Bakeries…

Ginny: -.- I'm going now.

Moolie: I'm back!

Ginny: You've lost your chance, the chapter's done.

Moolie: But I was taking Donald to the vet!

Aggie: What took you so long?

Moolie: Well, apparently owning a nonexistent species is illegal….

Ginny: How'd you get out of that pickle?

Moolie: Find out next time folks! Tonight on Saturday Night Live!

**JAZZ MUSIC, all fades to pointless commercial breaks.**


	11. Rainbow?

Moolie: Whilst checking our reviews, we received a rather interesting one asking about the importance of graham crackers in the first chapter. This arose many questions. Mainly, what is the meaning of graham crackers?

After much debate, blood, sweat, and tears, VAM-Ninja has decided to dedicate the following chapter to the nutritious snack food known as graham crackers.

…………

Chapter Eleven: Rainbow?

"Here, Frodo, eat this."

Frodo took the bread from Merry.

"What is it?" he asked, giving his cousin a quizzical look.

"The Elves call it 'Lembas bread'."

"You pronounced it wrong!" Azimah grumbled.

Merry avoided her. "Men, however, call it 'graham crackers'."

"And what do hobbits call it?"

"An absolutely poor excuse for a good meal," Sam said, placing one hand on his hip while eating his Lembas bread smothered in mayo with the other.

Meanwhile, Nora noticed Gimli was quieter than usual.

"What's wrong, Master Dwarf?" she asked.

He gave her a pained look. "Do you have to ask?"

"Oh….is it..?"

"My sweet Bonnie!!!!" Gimli burst into tears.

"Way to go, Nora," Aragorn said under his breath.

"Yeah, now he'll never shut up!" Boromir added.

Gandalf rose and looked off in no particular direction, murmuring, "We must be off."

"Right-O," chorused the group.

Pippin rose and picked up his dagger. "We should get going," he said, trying to sound as mature as possible. As he went to sheath his dagger, Nora bent to reach for her pack. In his distraction, he accidentally sliced through his belt, causing his pants to fall to his ankles. This displayed a very nice pair of plaid hobbit shorts. Pippin turned bright red and went to grab his pants. Nora giggled and felt her own face grow hot.

"Norofmororowwofphomomporo," Boromir said through a mouthful of graham crackers.

"What was that?" Aragorn asked.

Boromir paused to swallow his food. "I said, 'Norofmororowwofphomomporo'. What I meant to say was, 'Silly Halfling, this is how a true Man from Gondor does it'."

He went to sheath his sword and cut off his own belt by accident, showing a pair of tighty-whities.

It was quiet for a moment. There was a strangled "Eeeeeew!" from the group.

Aragorn smirked. "Gondor has no pants."

Boromir pulled up his trousers, trying to regain his dignity. "Gondor needs no pants."

***

At nightfall, they finally reached Moria.

"Are we there yet?"

"Put a sock in it, Sam!"

"I can't!" Sam complained. "Hobbits don't wear socks!"

For once, Gimli ran ahead. "The Waaaaaaaaalls of Moooooooooria!"

The fellowship proceeded to walk about the perimeter of a conspicuous lagoon.

They got to the walls. Merry looked around. "Now what?"

Gandalf started mumbling to himself. The whole fellowship exchanged looks. Was he finally going mad?

"…It mirrors only starlight and moonlight."

Gandalf looked up and caused the clouds to move aside for him. The outline of a door began to glow.

As Gandalf tried unsuccessfully to open the door, the fellowship amused themselves. Sam was in tears as he said goodbye to Bill the pony.

"You were the only one who listened to me," Sam wept as he hugged the horse. It bit him.

Sam looked around. "It…it was a love tap."

"Let him go, Sam," Aragorn said. "Bill's a smart pony. He'll find his way out."

Azimah stared at the dark water before her, the sound of Gandalf and Gimli arguing about the password for the door in the background. At the moment, another voice caught her attention. It was the lake. Its voice was a little different from the wind.

"_What the muffin?! Fool, they'd better stop throwing them rocks....like seriously, Ferdinand is gonna be piiissed off...y'all stop!_"

Azimah looked down the shore and caught sight of Merry throwing rocks in the water.

"_Y'all, don't make me say I told you so! Wup! There he goes, now look whatchu done...."_

Aragorn had just stopped the hobbit, and Azimah heard the voice of the water no more. She looked out over the dark waters again, searching for any sign of movement beneath the surface. Whatever Ferdinand was, it didn't sound good.

"Yay!" Pippin shouted as the doors of Moria swung open slowly. Gandalf even gave a smile. Sam was still crying.

"Stupid Sam, such a wussy…" Boromir muttered, earning a nasty look from the hobbit.

As the fellowship enter the dark opening, Gimli led the way with Gandalf, going on about the beer and food and the hospitality. And the waffles. Can't forget about the waffles. Needless to say, he was driving Legolas insane.

He rolled his eyes and looked around the obscure room they'd entered. Pippin wasn't smiling anymore. He was instead huddling close to Nora. He didn't like the dark.

Gandalf hit his staff on the ground and the tip of it lit up. Azimah's eyes began to adjust to the dim light and she gasped silently.

"It's not a mine!" Boromir said. "It's a tomb!"

*And the camera starts swooping around dramatically on all these skeletons of dwarves.*

Gimli ran to one of the bodies, shouting. Many more littered the floor and the stairs ahead. Legolas crouched down by another body and pulled out an arrow. "Goblins!"

"We never should have come this way," Boromir said. "We should take to the Gap of Rohan!"

"Ay, we can get some good sales on polos and cargo pants!" Gandalf agreed.

"I have a coupon!" added Sam.

As the group began to back out of the cave, Fado turned to notice that Frodo was no longer beside her. She looked around in confusion and saw Frodo getting dragged towards the lake by an ominous tentacle.

"Frodo!" she yelled as the rest of the fellowship turned to run out of the mine. The Sprite ran after Frodo as Aragorn ran ahead of her, his sword drawn. Suddenly, an enormous creature of some sort emerged from the depths of the lake, tentacles swaying around it.

"Ferdinand," murmured Azimah, earning an odd look from Legolas.

The fellowship went into battle mode once more. Aragorn (85 HP, 35 AP, 40 defense, 100 manliness) ran at the tentacle using Isildur's Fury (←, A, B, ↑). Frodo (20 HP, 25 AP, 40 defense, 70 adorable) fell back into the water. Sam (0 HP, 0 AP, -5 defense, 150 uselessness) ran over to see if he was okay.

Gandalf (1000 HP, 1500 AP, 500 defense, 5000 rainbow?) used his Sacred Fire (↓, ↓, Y, X, B) to lash out at the beast. Azimah (70 HP, 30 AP, 35 defense, 90 ninja) felt something wrap around her ankle. Before she had the time to look down, she was pulled under the water. Legolas (90 HP, 40 AP, 30 defense, 170 jaw-dropping hair-pulling heart-attacking sexiness) waded through the water as fast as he could. He saw the tentacle rise in the air, pulling Azimah with it, and he quickly shot an arrow through it. This caused the tentacle to drop Azimah, but as he ran forward to catch her, Nora (60 HP, 50 AP, 12 defense, 80 stupidity) shoved him aside. However, she was completely unprepared when Azimah fell on top of her.

"Umf!"

"Oh, sorry, Nora!"

"Into the mines!" Gandalf shouted.

***

Fado and Gandalf's lesson was harder than usual, seeing as it was pitch black. Gandalf fervently instructed her as they walked on.

"You've made much progress, young Fado. And soon, you may be able to master one of the more difficult Sprite techniques."

Fado gave Gandalf a questioning look.

"Flying."

For the next two days, Fado worked her hardest and was soon able to hover, though this often ended in hitting a sheer rock wall.

On the second night (though it is quite difficult to tell the time of day in a cave), the group sat around their campfire eating a graham cracker dinner with a side of creamed graham cracker with a light graham cracker sauce garnished with crushed graham cracker.

"I'm bored," said Merry.

"I'm romantically lonely," said Gimli.

"I'm weirded out by that last comment," said Aragorn, and then quickly added, "And I'm still not king yet."

"How about a scary story?" offered Boromir.

"That was the first decent suggestion you've made on this trip," Aragorn said in awe.

Boromir smiled. "Really?"

Aragorn shook his hand. "Congratulations."

Nora began with an extremely frightful story about a creature called 'The Abominable Snowman'. It had the hobbits quaking in their lack of boots. Fado curled closer to Frodo, who looked down at her in surprise.

"It's scary," she whispered. He awkwardly put an arm on her shoulder. Merry was about to say something smarmy, but Nora had just come to a very scary part of the story and instead he held onto Pippin tightly.

Afterward, Sam sighed. "That wasn't so bad. I didn't even pee my britches!"

Now it was Azimah's turn. "The Abominable Snowman is nothing compared to the horrors of the desert. What I am about to tell you may scar you for life. It will scar your children, and your children's children. But rightfully so, so that all may fear the name of the _Sand Bear_."

Sam had officially just wet his pants. As Azimah wove her fearsome tale, Aragorn and Gandalf sat a little ways away, smoking their manly pipes.

"Look at Fado and Frodo," said Aragorn. "It's so cute it's almost sickening."

"And yet their both completely oblivious to each other," said Gandalf. "How cliché is that?"

"How long do you think it'll take them to realize?"

"At the rate they're going, I'd wager five or six chapters," Gandalf said. "Give or take."

Aragorn turned to Gandalf. "That's not foreshadowing at all."

"No," said Gandalf, smiling to himself. "No it's not."

"Okay, so what's the deal with Azimah and Legolas?" asked Aragorn after puffing on his pipe. "One minute they're all 'I'm your best friend from long ago' and then they're all like 'Oh my gosh, cooties, I hate you'."

"Their relationship is a complicated one," Gandalf said. "It's partially because of Azimah's sister having an accident due to a relationship a while ago. It's also partially because Azimah is damn awkward."

"Yeah, I thought they'd be through it by now. Legolas is such a ladies' Man…Elf, sorry. Elf."

"Are you two talking about that pointy-eared Elvish princeling?" Gimli butted in.

Aragorn just ignored Gimli. "And then we've got Gimli here, the least likely character to be in a relationship. And yet he's the first guy to get some action in the story."

"Hey," Gimli said.

"Sorry, dude, but you know it's true."

"And Nora and Pippin. How did that happen?" said Aragorn. "I mean, how does that even work out? Height-wise."

Gandalf sighed. "There are some things I just can't explain."

Back in the story circle…

"…And so then, when you are least expecting it, they emerge from the sand like ROOOOAAAARRRR!!!!!!"

Sam jumped and wet his second pair of knickers. Merry and Pippin screamed and had a bromance moment. Fado was asleep. Frodo was trying to think of a way to get Fado off of him without waking her up. Legolas sat at the back of the group, cracking up in silent Elvish laughter. He was the only one besides Azimah who knew that Sand Bears really didn't exist.

Afterward, everyone wandered off to sleep. Frodo was stuck as what to do with Fado.

"Here," said Legolas, picking her up easily and placing her on a nearby ledge.

"Thanks, man," Frodo said. "Elf, I mean. Elf."

"It's all cool."

Legolas plopped down next to Azimah. "Nice story back there," he said.

Azimah stared off into the distance. "I think they enjoyed it. Sam probably went through three pairs of pants. That beats Nora's story."

Legolas laughed softly. Azimah turned to him.

"But there's something strange going on," she said. "You know how I usually hear voices?"

Legolas shot her a look.

"But not in the bad way!" she added defensively. "It's just that things talk, like the wind and stuff. But nothing's…talking…down here. It's like they're asleep…"

"Or just afraid," said Legolas.

It was her turn to shoot him a look. "Are you making fun of me?"

Legolas held up his hands. "No, not at all. But…I heard Gandalf talking. Well…I was really eavesdropping, but that's beside the point…he said there was something ancient down here, something that even frightened him."

Azimah was quiet for a moment. She then awkwardly patted him on the shoulder.

"We'll be okay," she said. "It's not like anyone's gonna _die_ or anything."

***

Ginny: So I'm still wondering how you and Donald managed to escape the authorities.

Moolie: As it turns out, the tentacle that lives in our couch has a cousin that lives between the car seats of my hippie van.

Aggie: Okay, I don't even want to know how this ends.

*Donald comes out of the kitchen (cardboard box with an EasyBake oven) wearing a flowery apron and bearing a tray of graham crackers with peanut butter.*

Donald: Haroo?

Moolie: Oh yes, thank you, Donald. I will have one.

Donald: Haroo!


	12. Gandalf Dies in this Chapter

Ginny: Oh my gosh, we're on chapter thirteen!

Aggie: Twelve, dude. Twelve.

Moolie: The authorities just called *sniff*. They'll be coming to get Donald in a few hours.

Ginny: Why?!

Moolie: Apparently, luring the authorities into your hippie van and then letting the tentacle that lives in your hippie van maul these said authorities is illegal. As well as owning a nonexistent species.

Aggie: Moolie, if you love something enough, set it free. Plus I hated the damn thing.

Moolie: *nods* Okay.

…………

Chapter Twelve: Gandalf Dies in this Chapter

The fellowship awoke and set off on their final leg of the journey through Moria. Pippin and Merry had found Sam's diary. They were currently waving around a flowery notebook bordered in pink felt with a light up pen to match.

"'_Dear Diary'_," Merry began in an obnoxious nasally voice. "'_Today, we were attacked by birds. They ate the last of my sausages. Now I only have the gross Elfy stuff to eat.'_"

"Hey!" Legolas cut in. "It's not that bad!"

Sam, who was in the front of the group with Gandalf, had not yet noticed that his diary was missing. And so Merry continued.

"'_Frodo went to go hide with that girl. In my opinion, he's spending too much time with her. She's a bad influence.'_"

Pippin started to laugh, but Merry shushed him by slapping his face.

"'_I wrote another letter to Rosie today. I have no idea how I am going to send all of these. I have accumulated a lot now. I had to sneak some into Legolas's bag because there's not enough room in mine.'_"

Legolas opened up his knapsack and dumped several hundred letters over the side of the crevice in the rock.

"I was wondering why my bag was so heavy…"

Merry closed the diary. "We'll just put this back where we found it. Same time next Tuesday, gents?"

He ran ahead and slipped the diary back into Sam's pack. At the head of the group, Gandalf abruptly stopped.

"I have no memory of this place," he muttered. Everyone else bumped into the person in front of them due to the abrupt halt. They groaned and sat down as they waited for Gandalf to overcome his lapse of Alzheimer's.

"Stupid Gandalf. Stupid lostness. Stupid Moria."

"Oh, give it a rest, Boromir!"

"But I need as much screen time as possible before I die!"

Aragorn smacked him in the face. "Shh, you're spoiling the story."

Frodo and Fado were laughing at Gimli and Legolas's braiding contest. The happy mood was quickly ended when they heard a taunting voice behind them.

"Frodo and Fado sittin' in a tree," Merry chanted. Pippin quickly joined in.

"K-O-Z-Z-Q-U-P!"

Merry looked at Pippin. "That's not even a word, Pip."

"It…it sounded like one."

Suddenly, Frodo went rigid. He pointed out to the rocks below.

"Fado, do you see that?"

Fado looked out to see a small, scraggly creature hopping across the rocks. She turned to him.

"We should tell Gandalf."

He grabbed her hand. "Come on."

As they ran to go inform Gandalf of the strange creature, Boromir and Aragorn were having a man-to-man.

"…So what I'm saying is, you always crepe the paper before pasting it in your scrapbook. Pinking shears also add a nice touch," Aragorn said.

"Wow, Aragorn. I didn't know we had so much in common. I mean, seriously, you like to press flowers, too?"

"When I have the time," Aragorn said. "You know, with the war and all."

"Oh, I'm sure the ladies love you," Boromir said.

"Well, actually, I did make Arwen a nice card for her birthday. She really appreciated it."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the group, Azimah and Nora were having a talk about…feminine things.

"…I'm telling you, Azimah, if you hock your spit really loudly, it flies even further," Nora was saying.

"And you have these competitions all the time where you come from?"

"Of course! It's our national pastime. My brother can even make a BA-DING noise when he spits in a metal bucket."

"Cool."

Gandalf stood up. "It's this way! I remembered the smell."

"Yay!" the group shouted in unison as they stood to follow Gandalf.

As they descended the stairs, Gandalf said, "We may risk a little more light."

Everyone stood in awe of hundreds of columns. Gimli turned and ran.

"Gimli!" Gandalf shouted, but the dwarf did not obey. They ran into the room after him. Gimli was sobbing near a stone casket.

"What's he crying about?"

"Shut up, his family's dead!"

"What does this arrow do?"  
"No, Pippin!"

BOOM!!

Gandalf turned to see Pippin standing like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

"Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."

Pippin looked really sad, so Nora gave him a quick hug.

Just then, an ominous drumming was heard.

"I think something's coming!" Boromir called out.

"No duh!" Legolas exclaimed.

"Little ones, stay by Gandalf!" Aragorn ordered. Legolas helped Boromir bar the door. The whole fellowship stood ready for the attack until Gandalf went to inspect the door.

"What is this?" he said, knocking a spear easily to the side. "Typical Elf work! This wouldn't stop my granny with her Sunday groceries!"

A sudden BOOM! forced the doors open. Gandalf barely managed to jump out of the way. Goblins and a very nasty-looking cave troll plowed through the remains of the door.

"They have a cave troll," Boromir said, rolling his eyes.

"You're a little late, Boromir," Aragorn said.

"Shut up!"  
Their arguing was momentarily stopped by a horde of goblins. Merry and Pippin (combined attack power: 20 AP) ran forward, waving their swords pointlessly. Fado (35 HP, 40 AP, 25 defense, 80 anger management problems) was juggling fireballs, waiting for a goblin to attack.

The cave troll turned to look at Frodo.

"Why is it always me?" Frodo groaned.

He scrambled behind a column, yelling for Aragorn to help him. Aragorn ran to his aid, but was quickly knocked down by the troll. Frodo ran to try to wake him, but his efforts were unsuccessful.

He turned to see the troll a split second before he felt a sharp stabbing in his lower belly. Fado turned her head and saw Frodo fall with a spear in his gut.

_**The nerve of that creature. Look, it's killed Frodo! Let me out, I'll show it a lesson.**_

Fado was too busy running towards the fallen hobbit to hear the voice. As she darted to see if he was okay, Azimah climbed up onto a conveniently-placed cobweb-infested chandelier and jumped down onto the cave troll, beating the crap out of it with the blunt side of her glaive. The cave troll turned and tried to swat her off his back. Azimah jumped off, but only after giving him a Wet-Willy.

Pippin and Merry jumped on the troll, even though they had no chance of defeating it. The troll swatted at them, sending Pippin flying.

Finally, Legolas decided to be all cool and kill it. After he had shot it with his arrows (and good looks), he ran to go see Frodo's state. The hobbit was fine. He was wearing Mithril when the cave troll had stabbed him. He opened his shirt to let them see.

"Why didn't I get one of those?" Boromir complained.

"I don't know why he wears that," Legolas said. "It's so tacky."

Fado reached out to touch the Mithril, causing Frodo to get butterflies in his tummy.

As all of this was happening, Nora went to go see if Pippin was okay.

"Do you want a band-aid?" she asked, holding up a first aid kit. Pippin nodded.

"It's Hello Kitty," she said as she placed the band-aid over a cut on his arm.

He looked up. "I love Hello Kitty!"

"This is the start of a beautiful relationship," Nora said to herself.

***

"How are there so many of them!"

"Where do they come from?"

The fellowship stood in the middle of the great hall surrounded by goblins. They huddled together, forming a circle.

"Uh, Pippin?"

"Huh?"

"You're facing the wrong way," Fado said, turning Pippin to face the goblins.

"Oh…thanks."

"This is it, guys! I just want you all to know that I love you!"

Everyone turned to look a Boromir.

"Didn't you read the script, Boromir?" Aragorn said. "We don't die yet!"

"Well then, what happens?"  
BOOM!  
"That happens," said Gandalf, gesturing towards the end of the hallway where a menacing red light and a groaning noise came from. "This power is beyond any of you. Run!"

The fellowship didn't need to be told twice. They started dashing towards the giant exit sign in the distance. Boromir nearly fell off a ledge that looked like a set of stairs. Aragorn ran up from behind and grabbed him before he could tumble to his death.

"We gotta finish this together, man!" he said to Boromir.

Nora, who was close behind them, turned to Azimah with tears in her eyes. "Their bromance is so inspiring!"

"Don't get any ideas," Azimah said as she pushed Nora down the stairs. Legolas, being the Elvish princeling he was, was the first to jump over a break in the stairs.

"Gandalf," he said as the camera got a great shot up his nose (no, seriously, check!). Gandalf jumped across the ledge and landed safely. Azimah was the next to jump across, and as Legolas started helping the others, she took his bow and began shooting the following goblins.

Fado was able to hover across, earning a round of applause from everyone, including the goblins. Boromir grabbed Pippin and Merry and leapt across, yelling random movie quotes.

"I have no regrets! For Narnia!"

Boromir, the fatty that he was, caused a large chunk of the stairs to crumble away.

"Sorry!"  
"Boromir, you're totally not borrowing my pinking shears after this!"

Sam leapt across. No one bothered to catch him  
"Help!" he said as he held on for dear life. The group was silent for a moment. Finally, Legolas sighed and helped him up.

Nora got a running start and launched herself successfully across. Gimli was next. He turned to Aragorn. "Nobody tosses a dwarf."

"I wasn't planning on it."

Gimli just ignored him, "No, no, I can do it myself!" He then proceeded to throw himself over the gap. Legolas stepped forth and grabbed his beard.

"Not the beard! I just febreezed it this morning!"

This left Aragorn and Frodo. The supports of the stairs were beginning to crumble.

"Lean forward," Aragorn said. After safely getting across, they ran for the exit sign on the other side of the gorge.

Suddenly, a truck with Peter Jackson and several people from New Line Cinema drove past them with a boom box, blaring the main theme of Lord of the Rings.

They finally got to catch a glimpse of the Balrog. It was pretty ugly. Everyone was across the bridge but Gandalf.

"Leave them be, they're not part of this!" he shouted at the Balrog.

"What?" Gimli asked.

"You see, the Balrog and I went on a dinner date back in the second age," Gandalf explained. "And she never really got over the fact that I left her with the check."

"It's a girl?" Pippin asked.

The Balrog let out a roar.

"I'm sorry, Honey, but you know how these things are!" Gandalf said to her. "Take me back!"

The Balrog roared again.

"I shall not let you pass," Gandalf said. The Balrog roared, seeing as it could say nothing else.

And then Gandalf shouted the most quotable words of the trilogy: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

He slammed his staff against the bridge and as the Balrog stepped out, it collapsed beneath her.

Everyone cheered. Gandalf turned around smiling, only to be dragged backwards by the Balrog's whip. As he clung to the ledge, Fado ran up to him to help.

"Gandalf!" she screamed. Legolas held her back. Gandalf struggled to stay on the bridge. He looked at the fellowship.

"Fly, you fools."

And then he let go.

"No!" Fado yelled, reaching to grab Gandalf.

'I can save him, I can fly,' she thought, trying to break free of Legolas.

"We have to _go_!" he said, dragging her away.

"No!" she screeched at him. "I can save him! I can fly!" But Legolas dragged her away and out of the mines.

Outside, practically everyone was crying. Merry and Pippin had a bromance moment, crying on each other's shoulders. Nora rested her head against Boromir's shoulder, crying quietly. Even Aragorn and Azimah shed a tear. Sam was crying too, but no one really cared. Frodo was walking off in no particular direction.

"Frodo!" called Aragorn. Frodo turned to show that he was crying as well. As he walked back, he noticed Fado sitting alone on a rock. She sat stony-faced and cold. She hadn't cried once.

"Get them up," Aragorn said.

"Let them cry, for pity's sake!" Boromir said.

"By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs," Aragorn argued as he picked up Gimli, who was sobbing loudly on the ground.

"Right then," Boromir said reluctantly. "Let us go."

***

Moolie: The authorities just came by and picked up Donald.

Ginny: Wait a minute…where's Aggie?

Moolie: *bursts into tears* They took her too!  
Ginny: *runs out of the room* Wait! She's not an animal! She just doesn't bathe that much!


	13. Wait, that's a Bridge?

Ginny: We found Aggie at the animal shelter. She'd had a flea bath and was very angry when we got home. Unfortunately, we had to buy license and rabies tags for her to leave the shelter legally.

Moolie: We found Donald, too!

Ginny: No we didn't…

Moolie: Ssshhh…

Aggie: Moolie, where are you hiding the whale..?

Moolie: …in the bathtub…

Aggie: Again?!

Moolie: Hey, don't get angry cuz you're the one in the Elizabethan collar.

Ginny: I think I hear sirens…

………….

Chapter Thirteen: Wait…that's a bridge?

It was late afternoon when they reached Lothlorien. Pippin and Merry were trying to sing a happy song to cheer themselves up. They were quickly shushed by Aragorn.

"We do not wish to disturb the Lady of the Wood," he said. "Nor irk the elf people."

"Let me get this straight," said Nora. "We are walking straight into a realm where we might very well be killed."

"That's about the idea!" Aragorn said cheerfully.

"May I inquire as to why?"

"Well, there's a 37% chance that they might not kill us," Aragorn explained. "And we don't really have anywhere else to go."

"Not anything to worry," said Gimli. "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox—WOOOHH."

It was just about then they noticed that they were surrounded by Elven warriors holding very nasty bows at their heads.

One stepped forward and did a lovely hair flip. "I am H_aaa_ldir. The dwarf breathed so loud we could've shot him in the d_aaa_rk!"

"Why are you talking like that?" Merry questioned.

"Bec_aaa_use I'm f_aaa_bulous, especially at b_aaa_sketball and making fl_aaa_pjacks."

Azimah sighed. The elves on this side of the desert were so full of themselves.

"The L_aaa_dy of the W_ooo_d has been expecting you," Haldir went on.

Nora laughed quietly. "Heheh, wood."

"These woods are perilous!" Gimli stated. "We should go back!"

"Go back where?!" Boromir said. "There's no where to go back to!"

"Bes_iii_des, you're in the realm of the L_aaa_dy. You c_aaa_nnot go b_aaa_ck!"

Aragorn groaned. "This is gonna be a long day."

**(Scene change!)…**

"That's a bridge?"

The fellowship stood at the side of a river. Across the river was a single rope fastened at each end to a tree.

"Elves are so f_aaa_bulous, we only need a r_ooo_pe to cr_ooo_ss the r_iii_vah," Haldir explained. At this point, Pippin snorted, earning a nasty look from the elves.

"And what about the rest of us?" said Gimli.

"The f_aaa_bulous elves will w_aaa_lk across f_iii_rst. And then one of us will walk b_aaa_ck with another rope to f_aaa_sten as a h_aaa_ndrail."

The elves went across one by one, each walking effortlessly across the rope. After all had crossed, Azimah walked back with a rope to fasten on a tree to create a handrail.

"Thank you for your service, tree," she said quietly as she tied a knot.

_Oh, it's no problem at all. I do enjoy _(dramatic voice change) _oh in the name of Tolkien, the dwarf is trying to cross!_

To give Gimli credit, he started off well. Somehow he managed to make it to the middle of the rope, but as soon as he reached the midpoint, it sunk beneath him, depositing him into the river.

On the other side of the river, Haldir said, "Whoops, the old anti-dwarf charm still appears to be there. M_yyy_ b_aaa_d."

"I can still swim across, you idiot," Gimli grumbled as he swam for shore. The wrong shore.

"I made it!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Uh, Gimli..?"

"Why does this look strangely familiar?" he said to himself, looking at the scenery.

"You still have to walk across the rope," said Nora, shaking her head sadly.

"Damn."

By now, Aragorn and Boromir were arguing about who got to cross first.

"I should go, I'm the manliest!"

"No, I'm the manliest!"

"I'm going to be king!"

"Gondor has no king! Gondor needs no king!"

"Gondor doesn't have any pants either!"

"…Touché."

As Aragorn stepped across, everyone observed an Elven choir in gospel robes emerge from the Lothlorien side. They began to sing the Lord of the Rings theme a cappella.

The rope appeared to like Aragorn better than Gimli, for it allowed him to cross. As Gimli observed this, Boromir began to cross. The dwarf promptly ran and hopped on his back.

"Ah, get off, you baby hippo!" Boromir yelled.

"Keep walking, boy, or I'll fart on ya," Gimli threatened, his voice growing deeper.

Boromir's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "Okay, I'll walk, I swear!"

Boromir made it safely across.

"You can get off now, Gimli."

"No, I quite like it up here, actually," Gimli said. "I think I'll stay!"  
"Wrong," Boromir said, dumping Gimli in the dirt. Gimli let out a strange noise as his back hit the ground. "Mnyrrr…"

Now it was the hobbits' turn. Unfortunately, being so short they couldn't reach the handrail for support. After a few failed attempts, Fado got fed up and pushed them out of the way. Wrapping her knees around the rope, she hung upside down, almost like an opossum, really, and pulled herself across like an ultra-cool ninja spy person.

The Elven choir on the other side quickly whipped up a Mission Impossible theme.

As Sam went across, they hastily stopped singing to take a coffee break.

"Aw…" Sam said just as he got situated in the same position Fado had been in. After Sam went across, the choir resumed, singing the same song for the rest of the hobbits. That only left Nora.

"I'm not crossing," she said. "If I fall, it'll be like a bath. I hate baths."

"Oh, c_ooo_me now, dear," Haldir called out, making his way across the rope. "I'll h_eee_lp y_ooo_u…" He held out his hand. Nora cautiously took it and, with the help of the handrail, was making her way slowly but steadily across the rope.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the river, Sam was studying the rope thoughtfully.

"Rope. I've been needing some rope…" he said as he pulled out his little knife and began cutting the rope.

"Sam..!" Aragorn tried to warn, but it was too late. The stupid, fat hobbit had somehow cut through enchanted Elven rope. Screams were heard from the river (mainly from Haldir).

"H_eee_lp m_eee_!" he screamed. Nora was shouting a medley of diverse profanities.

"Nora!" screamed Pippin. He promptly jumped in the river to save her.

"Wait, Pippin!" Merry yelled, but it was too late. Pippin had jumped in. "…you can't swim…"

Nora heard splashing behind her and looked back to see Pippin struggling to stay above water.

"Ugh, I always have to save your ass…" she muttered. She quickly swam towards him and dragged him back to shore.

Everyone, including the Elven choir, ran towards Nora as she dragged the water-logged hobbit out of the river.

"It doesn't look like he's breathing," Aragorn whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" asked Merry.

"Because it makes it more dramatic," said a nearby elf.

"Pippin..?" Nora said cautiously. She was getting worried.

"I…I don't see any movement," said Aragorn.

"He needs mouth-to-mouth," Merry said, casting a smarmy glance at Nora.

"I…" Nora said, looking around nervously. "I…uh…I guess…"

"I'LL DO IT!" Gimli yelled suddenly, pushing the crowd away and kneeling down next to Pippin.

Pippin, who had been inanimate a second before, was now putting as much space between him and Gimli as possible. "No, I'm alive! I swear!"

"Wait a minute," Boromir said, looking around. "Where's Haldir?"

"I'll go find him," Azimah volunteered.

"I'll go, too!" Legolas said quickly.

"Ugh…"

As they walked down the river, Azimah spotted a blonde something floating in the water.

"What is _that_?" she said as she prodded in with the blunt end of her glaive. She used her weapon to pick the object out of the water.

Legolas gasped. It was a _wig_.

They looked at each other in horror. Just then, Haldir came stomping up around the bank. Something was different about him. Maybe it was the fact that his beautiful blonde locks were gone and replaced with a receding hairline of boring brown hair.

"I'll take that!" he said, snatching the wig. "And I'll hear nothing about this later!"

He placed the wig askew on his head and marched off in the most dignified manner he could muster.

Azimah, still shocked, looked at Legolas, who was at a loss for words. She reached out, grabbed a fistful of his hair, and tugged.

"Ow!"

"Just checking."

***

Lothlorien really was a lovely place. Unfortunately, they had never heard of the elevator, so the fellowship had to walk up an excruciating amount of stairs to get to where Galadriel and Celeborn were waiting.

As Celeborn made his long, boring speech, Galadriel took the liberty of entering everyone's minds.

'_Lay off the mayonnaise,'_ she said to Sam

Boromir began crying a little, so it could be assumed that she was telling him something private.

'_Azimah…'_

Azimah looked around wildly.

'_I'm not a tree.'_

Azimah looked bashfully at her feet. 'Oh, sorry, my lady.'

'_You have a gift, Azimah. Use it wisely. But you must also be aware that your fate is not like your sister's. Do not be afraid to love. You're a stubborn one, but you'll bend eventually.'_

Azimah waited for any last words from Galadriel.

'…_He's quite charming, actually.'_

"Ah!" Azimah cried out in aggravation, earning a few odd looks from the rest of the fellowship. Galadriel looked around, pretending not to notice.

'_There are no monsters in your bathtub,' _Galadriel said to Nora.

'Thank you,' Nora responded.

The elf then turned to Gimli. _'With great farts comes great responsibility.'_

She then turned to Fado. _'Gandalf's death was a tragedy, but you need to learn to live on your own, for when your choice comes, you will be alone.'_

Celeborn was finally finished his speech. "…On that note, off to bed! Hup hup!"

***

Legolas was walking down a stairway, contemplating the events that had happened over the course of the last few days. First of all, Gandalf was dead, total bummer. Second, they weren't heading towards the Gap of Rohan, which meant he was going to miss yet another spring saving sale.

On the plus side, they were in Elven territory. People bathed regularly here and everyone was calling him "Your Majesty", which was always nice.

Just then, Pippin ran by wearing Haldir's wig, yelling: "_III_ _aaa_m H_aaa_ldir!"

Merry ran after him, clapping his hands and laughing maniacally. Haldir chased after them angrily.

"_III_ thought I t_ooo_ld you not to t_eee_ll anyone!" he yelled at Legolas.

Legolas just shrugged. "Whoops."

As he walked on through the trees, he noticed a certain someone sitting alone on an outstretched limb. Grinning, he set out to go bother her.

Now, for all those who either didn't read or weren't paying attention during chapter six, Legolas and Azimah were childhood friends. This, of course, meant he knew her likes and dislikes. Particularly dislikes. One of which was feet. Azimah hated seeing, smelling, or touching feet. Of course, the fellowship had learned to tolerate her, but every so often, someone would forget and accidentally leave their boots on her bedroll or step on her pillow. This resulted in many a boo-boo on the alleged offender.

So when dear Legsie sat on the branch above her and "accidentally" let his legs dangle in her face, Azimah was quite miffed.

"Legolas…" she said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, hello, Azimah! Didn't see you there!" he said as he began swinging his legs back and forth so that his feet came within inches of her face.

"Legolas, if you wouldn't mind…" she said, leaning away from the feet.

"Mind doing what?"

"Well, could you just stop…" Azimah said, leaning even farther backwards.

"Stop doing what?"

"Oh, you know—WAH!"

Azimah had leaned so far that she had fallen backwards off the branch. However, her expected plummet did not happen. Instead, she felt someone grab her foot. Looking up, she saw Legolas hanging by his knees from the branch and holding onto her foot.

"Are you in need of assistance?" he asked playfully.

"_Tevenyel_," Azimah yelled. "_Labo vi Orodruin!"_

"Such hateful words. Is this the thanks I get for saving you?" Legolas asked.

"Let me go, idiot!"

"As you wish, my lady," Legolas said and promptly dropped her. Luckily, the drop wasn't that bad. Azimah fell into a pile of foliage.

"Are you alright?" Legolas asked as he swung to the ground.

"You dropped me!"

"You wanted me to…"

"Ugh! Sometimes I feel like you… you…like you're still a child!"

Legolas looked at the ground. "And you have grown too much…"

Azimah was ashamed.

Legolas looked at her, "You used to laugh more. _Melin ceni hin lîn síla I 'eladahach."_

Azimah looked ahead quietly, "_Aníron gladhad."_

_***_

Frodo walked back to the sleeping area, extremely perplexed and very much perturbed by Galadriel's "test."

"She should really see someone about her condition," Frodo mumbled.

But before he could grumble anything else remotely amusing, a sound caught his attention. Hissing. Pleading. Scratching. Gasping. Taking an illegal u-turn through the shrubberies to his left, Frodo crept silently to a mossy grotto. Frodo felt the blood drain from his face as he watched the scene before him.

Fado laid thrashing on the ground apparently fighting an invisible force.

'_**He said he'd be here for you!'**_

"Its not his fault the Balrog attacked! He sacrificed himself."

'_**More like he gave up. This plan is prone to failure as are you! However …I'm still gracious enough to offer one last time…'**_

Fado was struggling to grasp onto a nearby log, or anything for that matter that might give her some form of support. She forced a sardonic smile, "You're the one who's prone to failure," she panted in heaving breaths. "You come at a time of sorrow because you have no powers otherwise! You're weak! I've outdone you."

Suddenly she gasped, clutching at her throat as if she were struggling to free herself from suffocation while attempting to choke herself.

'_**Weak am I?!?! You little insect! We'll see how weak I am when I crush you!!'**_

Fado choked out a weak laugh, "You can't do that! You're too pathetic to live on your own! Agh!!!"

She pried at her throat in desperation.

"Fado!" yelled Frodo. He ran from the bushes trying to help. He soon found himself flung to the ground with a cold steel pressed to his throat. Fado was on top of him, her eyes blazing.

'_**Stupid boy, you think you can stop me from getting what is rightfully mine? You're one of those little stumbling blocks, but we'll soon fix that..."**_

Frodo felt the knife pressing harder against his jugular.

"Fado please…" He said quietly, calmly even. "This isn't you, Fado, come back, please."

She blinked hard, shaking her head. She relaxed her grip but then brought the knife to his throat once more.

'_**I…have…control,' **_a voice gritted from behind her teeth.

"Fado," Frodo rasped from lack of oxygen.

She shook her head wildly then stared at him as if he had grown seven strawberry bushes from his nostrils. Then with eyes widened in sheer terror, she sprang away from him, scrambling to put distance between them.

"Get away from me," she whispered.

"Fado," Frodo began, cautiously taking baby steps towards her.

"Get away from me!" She yelled at him, and then murmured, "I'm too weak to be safe."

"You are not weak," Frodo said firmly, walking slowly closer, "Why even when-" He stopped, carefully choosing his words, "Even with all of the…pressing events, you were the only one who didn't cry. Even Aragorn cried."

"I can't cry," Fado said softly.

Frodo stopped, slightly confused. "Like figuratively, or literally?"

"I'm not sure," said Fado as she collapsed onto a log. Frodo sat carefully beside her. "I used to cry a lot when I was little."

"Why?" asked Frodo.

"Because I was illegitimate," Fado said simply. "The only one who loved me was my mother. And by the time she fell ill, everyone in the village knew what I was." She laughed to herself.

"You're not-" Frodo began, but Fado stopped him.

"Of course I received the blame for her lethal condition, being a demon child and all. But one thing she told me before she passed was, 'Don't cry for them Fado, they want to see you cry. They want to see your weakness. Show them you can hold your head high. Smile, everything will be better if you smile.'" She smiled sadly. "Then of course, everyone thought I was evil for smiling at my own mother's funeral. No, Frodo, I will not cry, even if I am weak. I cannot afford to show it."

They sat silent for a few minutes.

"Its okay to cry," said Frodo. "Sometimes…"

She gave him an unreadable look. He continued.

"Well, if you keep everything packed tight inside you'll run out of room eventually. Then you'll explode." He sighed. "Look, all I'm saying is that crying can be a good thing, and if you ever need someone to talk to…" He shifted uneasily, too awkward to go on. "Well, I'm here… I guess."

Next thing he knew, Fado had flung herself at him and was sobbing her little heart out against his chest. Frodo tentatively put his arms around her and drew her closer, holding her tightly.

'I suppose this'll take a while,' he thought as he stroked her hair, "Tolkien knows how long she's been holding this in."

Meanwhile…

Merry looked on from the bushes. "Damn cousins get all the action."

***

Ginny: For Elvish translations, look to arwen-undomiel .com.

Aggie: You're on your own from there.


	14. The Breaking of the Fellowship

Aggie: This collar is itchy.

Moolie: Don't scratch it, dear, it'll make it worse.

Ginny: How did you not know that you had fleas?

Aggie: *shrugs*

…………

Chapter Fourteen: The Breaking of the Fellowship

The next morning after a delicious yet odd breakfast of eggrolls, springrolls, sweet and sour chicken, mushu pork, and Cheetos, the fellowship went on to the practicing arena.

"You know what would be a good game?" Azimah began. "Badminton."

"B_aaa_dminton?" Haldir repeated. "I l_ooo_ve badminton! Can _III_ play, since you have an _ooo_dd numbah?"

Everyone looked at each other. "Uh…sure." Azimah finally said. Haldir leaped in joy and skipped off to go get his lucky racket.

After Azimah explained the rules to the rest of the fellowship, they all ran to fetch rackets. Nora, who had zoned out halfway through Azimah's instructions, did not hear the cue to get a racket. Consequently, she was forced to take the crappy racket with a hole in it.

After getting their rackets, they were split into teams by Haldir. Team Awesome contained Azimah, Nora, Fado, Aragorn, Boromir, and Pippin.

"I came up with the name!" Pippin exclaimed, feeling proud of himself.

"This is a bad idea," Fado said, watching Aragorn and Boromir attack each other with their rackets.

Team Fancy Prancy Pantsington consisted of Haldir, Frodo, Legolas, Merry, Gimli, and SAM.

"What made you pick that name, Legolas?" Azimah asked.

Legolas sighed. "Haldir came up with it."

And so the game began! Sam served, missed the birdie, and hit Haldir in the back of the head with his racket. The elf's wig flew across the court, landing in Azimah's face.

She threw it onto the ground quickly. It was her turn to serve. She successfully hit the birdie, which sailed to the other side of the court and knocked Sam unconscious.

"Whoops."

"Should we do something?" Fado asked.

"Nah, just leave him there."

"Hey, where's Nora?"

"Pippin, just serve!"

Pippin served the birdie, which was successfully hit back by Legolas. As it sailed over the net, Fado tried to hit it, but instead fell backwards due to her lack of height. Suddenly, there was a loud battle cry from behind her and Nora ran up to hit the birdie…with her axe.

"Nora, you killed the birdie!"

"So…is that our point, or yours?"

They continued to play the game. Azimah and Legolas were getting particularly competitive. Azimah served three birdies at once, sending them flying over to Legolas, who returned them with an understated coolness.

By now, everyone else was off the court as the two elves battled it out.

"Oh, so you're getting me back for winning last time?"

"You never won a game of badminton in your life!"

"I did so, stop fooling yourself!"

"You were a cheat!"  
"Was not!"

"Did they use to play this as kids?" Fado asked from the sidelines.

Haldir turned to look at her. "Why y_eee_s, how did you kn_ooo_w?"

Azimah and Legolas were starting to throw items at each other, such as small apples, rocks, a hobbit…

"Eeeeee!"

"Put Pippin down, Legolas!" Nora called out, too afraid to walk into the court.

"No!" Legolas yelled. He threw the hobbit viciously. Aragorn quickly ran to save him.

"I think it's a tie," he said.

As the two elves walked off the court, Azimah threw her racket at Legolas, causing him to fall to the ground.

"I win."

***

The fellowship was packing the boats, getting ready to leave. Fado was already in the boat, eager to set out again on their journey, chanting quietly, "Let's go, let's go, let's go…"

Azimah, who had been keeping the boat steady, realized she had forgotten something and stepped out to get it. She looked back to see Fado still smiling as she tipped over into the water.

**Take Two:**

Everyone was successfully in their boats. As they paddled down the river, Pippin saw a lovely bird in a tree.

"Look!" he said, jumping to his feet.

"No, Pippin!" Boromir yelled. "Don't stand in the boat, you'll-"

Boromir's warnings were useless. In moments, he, Pippin, and Merry were floating in the water.

**Take Three:**

Everyone was successfully in their boats. As they paddled down the river, Boromir and Aragorn began splashing each other with their oars, which quickly turned into another manly brawl. Soon, Boromir's boat and Aragorn's, including Frodo and Sam, had flipped into the water.

**Take Four:**

Everyone was successfully in their boats. As they paddled down the river, Legolas turned to Gimli. "Paddle faster, we're getting behind."

"I have to fart," Gimli stated simply. Legolas groaned, grabbed Gimli, and hung him out over the side of the boat. Gimli's fart propelled them forward with such velocity that they sped ahead, skipping across the water like a stone.

"Oh no, they're heading for the waterfall!"

"Guys, jump out! Jump out!"

"The picnic lunch!" Sam exclaimed.

Legolas and Gimli hopped out of the boat before they could be caught in the current of the waterfall. Sam cried as he watched the boat disappear with all his tuna salad sandwiches, potato salad, fried chicken salad, pasta salad, and fruit salad.

**Take Five:**

Everyone was successfully in their boats. As they paddled down the river, Boromir and Aragorn continued to splash each other and giggle with glee.

Pippin began singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". This promptly started a cannon among the fellowship.

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…"

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…"

"…Life is but a dream!"

"Legolas, you're not allowed to sing!" Gimli shouted. "You're too good at everything."

Legolas let out a quiet "Aw". Azimah couldn't help but smile.

They safely made it to shore without us having to write a take six.

Azimah turned to Legolas. "There's something on this shore. The trees are telling me."

Legolas leaned in closely to her. "Should I be concerned about this? About you?"

Azimah rolled her eyes. "I'm serious!"

Legolas nodded. "There has been a shadow growing in my mind. I'll talk to Aragorn."

Fado was getting sleepy. Not wanting to be a burden, she went to go find a nice place to rest.

"Where's Frodo?" Merry asked.

Meanwhile…

Frodo was walking through the forest when he heard sticks snapping behind him. He turned to see Boromir gathering firewood.

"Are you stalking me?" the hobbit asked.

"No, no…well yes," Boromir answered. "You know, that ring of yours is quite pretty. And shiny. I like shiny things."

Frodo wasn't quite sure of what Boromir was trying to do. "What do you want, Boromir?"

"Please, hand the Ring over to Gondor," Boromir said. "We are good Men who will only use it to destroy the forces of Mordor. Besides, we haven't any pants, and a ring would be nice."

"Never!" Frodo said, and quickly slipped on the Ring.

"Wha? Where'd you go?" Boromir said. An invisible Frodo kicked Boromir, making him collapse to the ground.

"Frodo!" Boromir called out, but there was no answer. "Well, Boromir," he said to himself. "You screwed up."

Frodo ran to the top of the hill, gasping for breath. Suddenly, he felt the Eye was upon him. He hid behind a statue on the hill, waiting for the feeling to pass. He stepped back and tried to take off the Ring, but he slipped and fell.

With the Ring off, the scenery was back to normal.

"Frodo?" Aragorn's voice came from behind. Frodo stood to face him. "Where is the Ring, Frodo?"

Frodo looked at the Ring in his hand. "Would you destroy it?"

"I would've gone with you to the fiery pits of Mordor," Aragorn said, not entirely sure what Frodo was hinting towards.

"Then I must go alone. Don't tell Sam, he'll want to come."

"Frodo-"

"Don't tell Fado either. I-I don't want to put her in danger. If she got hurt…"

Aragorn nodded, seeming to understand. His eyes then grew wide.

"Frodo, unsheathe your sword."

Frodo unsheathed Sting. The sword was glowing bright blue, a sign that Orcs were near.

"Orcs!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Run!"

Frodo stood still.

"Don't stand there! Run!"

Frodo did as he was told as Aragorn prepared for the Orcs' attack. As he ran down the hill, he saw Merry and Pippin motioning for him to hide with them.

He shook his head.

"What's he doing?" asked Pippin.

"He's running away," Merry responded. "Let's help him." Merry then started jumping up and down to catch the following Orcs' attentions. "Hey, over here, you sleazy sack of organs!"

"Over here, you scurvy seadogs!"

"Wrong movie, Pip."

"Right. Let's run, then."

***

Nora was hacking an Orc into itty-bitty pieces when, suddenly, a loud noise rang through the air.

"The Horn of Gondor!" Legolas called out. Nora ran ahead down the hill towards the distress call. There was Boromir kneeling on the ground with three arrows protruding from his torso.

Merry and Pippin ran to his aid, but were quickly picked up by Orcs, seeing as they were the size of fourth graders. Nora ran past Boromir, who cried, "Hey, I'm dying here!"

She ran after the Orcs as they carried Merry and Pippin away.

"Nora!" screamed Pippin.

As she sprinted towards them, Pippin saw an Orc come up behind her.

"Look out, Nora!"

But it was too late. Pippin watched her fall, then the horde of Orcs went over the hill and she was out of sight.

***

Aragorn had just chopped the head off of a very nasty Orc general. He ran towards Boromir, who lay on the ground, bleeding.

"They took the little ones," Boromir gasped. "I've failed you. I'm sorry."

"Don't you die on me, man!" Aragorn said. "I won't have a scrap-booking buddy anymore!"

"You're on your own, man," Boromir murmured. "It was the Orcs. Stupid Orcs…stupid...death."

"I'm feeling a bit gassy!" Gimli suddenly proclaimed rather loudly.

"Then take it away from here," Aragorn said through clenched teeth. "We don't want the last thing Boromir remembers on this green earth to be your farts."

Gimli sighed and walked away. As he rounded a bend, he saw Nora running after the hobbits. An Orc came up from behind her and knocked her unconscious with the blunt end of his axe. He stood over her, ready to deal out the death blow. It was then that Gimli remembered Galadriel's wise words.

'_With great farts comes great responsibility.'_

Letting out a battle cry, Gimli sprinted forward, releasing a great toot. The Orc was blinded by the dwarf's odorous vapors. With his enemy subdued, Gimli was able to bring it down with one swing of his axe.

***

Frodo pushed his boat towards the lake. As he hopped in, he heard a voice from behind him.

"Mr. Frodo!"

Frodo looked behind him and saw Sam walking out into the water. "Oh geez, paddle faster…"

The fat hobbit soon began to drown. Frodo rolled his eyes and sighed.

"I'm coming!" he called out. He pulled Sam out of the water.

"I guess you're coming, then," he said. "You can be annoying sometimes, Sam, but I'm glad you're persistent."

Suddenly, the two heard, "That's beautiful."

Sam and Frodo turned to see Fado emerge from the pile of supplies that was strapped into the boat.

"What did I miss?" she yawned.

"Well," Frodo and Sam exchanged glances. "We kinda ditched the fellowship while being attacked by Orcs."

"Oh," Fado muttered. "And where are we off to?"

"To Mordor, dummy," Sam said, angry that his alone time with Mr. Frodo had been interrupted.

As they reached the other side of the lake, Frodo turned to Fado. "I'm glad you're with me, Fado. I don't think I would've been able to handle the rest of the trip alone with Sam."

"Hey!" Sam yelled.

The two just ignored him. "I'm glad I came, too, Frodo," Fado said. "Seeing as I'm the only one out of us three who can fight."

Frodo looked back across the lake. "I don't suppose we'll see them again, will we?"

"We may yet, Frodo," Fado said as cheerfully as she could. "We may yet."

"That's my line!" Sam pouted.

Fado just smiled at Frodo and they walked on.

***

"Ugh, my head…"

When Nora woke up, she was alone. She looked around, seeing the numerous Orc carcasses scattered around her. That's when the flashbacks started coming. Boromir getting shot, Merry and Pippin being taken away, Pippin shouting her name…

And then darkness.

As Nora rose to her feet, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Azimah emerged from the forest.

"What happened?" Nora asked them.

"An Orc attacked you, but I SAVED YOU!" Gimli shouted proudly. "WITH MY FLATULENCE!"

"And what about the hobbits?" she asked. "And Fado?"

"Merry and Pippin were taken by the Uruk-hai," Aragorn said. "I'm sorry."

"Are...are you crying?" Azimah asked.

"No, I've just got something in my eye!" Nora responded, turning away.

"And Frodo, Fado, and Sam are on their own," Aragorn continued. "They have the Ring."

"Oh, by the way, Boromir's dead," Legolas added. "We sent him down the river."

Aragorn put a hand on Nora's shoulder. "You realize there's only one thing left to do?"

Nora looked up. "And what is that?"

"Hunt some Orc."

"Hells to the yeah!"

END OF PART ONE.

............

Moolie: It's…it's over, isn't it?

Aggie: No, Moolie *sniff*. It's only the beginning.

*Both burst into uncontrollable tears.*

Ginny: You guys are lame.

Moolie: I can't go on *sob*. Donald, finish it for us.

Donald: Haroo!

Translation: Part two will be up soon!

*Dancing girls enter, all do the Japan-can off stage.*


End file.
